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2009: In review

2010-01-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

We'll keep this short and sweet. By all accounts, 2009 should have been a "bad" year. But, looking back on it, I think it was one of the best years of my life. Not because it was easy, or fun, or exciting, though there were plenty of those moments. But because the majority of it was hard, confusing, and awkward, and in some masochistic way it brought more growth and joy than all other years combined.

In a few vague, summarizing sentences: I was haunted by past hurts, present circumstances, and future uncertainty. I was physically broken, spiritually stranded, and relationally betrayed. I dealt with death, hospitals, and disease. I attempted to mend a shattered relationship, walked through hell with another, and broke off ties with some more. And I came face to face with the things I fear the most (no, I didn't see any whales).

All in all, this year was painful, but it was beautiful and formative. I learned the power of grace, the presence of joy in sorrow, and the strength, vitality, and growth that comes from constant refinement.

Here's to another year, let's hope it's as bad as the last one!

...

2009-11-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

I am tired.

That's about the only discernible feeling I have right now. I would like to talk about how I feel, but it's not even possible right now. Why even blog this then, I know. I guess it still helps. And it's a shame, because there are good things I could talk about, and I don't want to take that for granted, I'm just tired. And I'm not even close to as tired as my brother and sister-in-law, and that makes me even more tired.

Caleb

2009-11-18T13:48:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone, first off I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers for Caleb, Jeremy, and Christina. They've all gone through a lot these past few days and it has given them so much strength, knowing that so many people are praying.

For those who maybe don't know what's going, I'll give a brief recap. My nephew, Caleb Michael Hogue, was born Monday morning at 10:29, he was completely healthy. He weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Sometime early Tuesday morning he stopped breathing properly, as a result he wasn't getting enough oxygen, and he still wasn't eating. They put him in incubator, and soon after his breathing returned to normal. However, a little while after that he had a seizure, and then another one. The hospital he was at in Victorville didn't have a neurology department, so he was transported to Loma Linda Children's Hospital. My brother came with him, but my sister in law was unable to because she had just a C-section and couldn't be released yet. He was taken to the neonatal ICU and has been there ever since. Now for the updates...

The situation has been hard and exhausting for them, especially being separated during it, but we have been blessed SO much in the past few days, all the small details have added up. First off, we're getting housing at the Ronald McDonald House which is so incredibly amazing. It's only $10 a night, and everything is free. They have a kitchen full of food, and the whole thing is designed to look like a normal house. Seems like a small and trivial detail, but in times when everything is chaotic and foreign, it does wonders for the soul to have something comfortable.

And speaking of amazing, the hospital is incredible as well. The baby is receiving the best treatment possible, and Jeremy gets to stay with him whenever he wants (except for a couple hours here and there while they switch things out). The baby has been doing great, we haven't had any further complications, and right now we're just waiting on test results. We did get the results for his spinal tap, and it turned out perfectly. We know he doesn't have any serious infections, so that rules out meningitis, etc. Which is great.

Also, Christina was released from the hospital in Victorville this morning, she's resting right now, and will be down here to stay with me and Jeremy today. This is a huge, huge blessing. The situation has been hard enough on her, but being that far away from both her baby and husband during it all was just...it was hard, on both of them. That's about all we know right now, I'll continue to update as we know things and I'm able to get to a computer. Again, thank you so so so much for your support, love, and prayers. It means everything. And just know that God is absolutely working throughout it all. We all have an overwhelming peace, and we can see and feel everything that He's doing. His hand is undeniable, from the small details to the big. Thank you for being a part of that.

Debi

Fear

2009-11-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

This morning I was reading Psalm 34 and found myself amused by the fact that, in almost the same breath, David appears to contradict himself. In verse 4 he says, "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears." Then five verses later he writes, "Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need." Riiight...

We're told that God freed David of all his fears, and then we're instructed to fear God. God will deliver you of your fears, when you fear him. At first glance, it appears to be a hefty contradiction. But, after sitting with this thought, I came to realize that it is anything but, and...it is probably the biggest lesson I could learn right now.

Fear is the act of granting something dominance, it's what we give the most power to. We fear our parents because they hold our livelihood. We fear our teachers because it's within their power to fail or pass us. We fear sickness because it has the ability to overwhelm and destroy us. When we fear something, we're admitting that it has more power over our lives than we do. And for the most part, this is terrifying. When we give up control, we face the possibility of suffering at the hand of whatever holds power over us. But fear isn't believing that something will harm us, it's acknowledging that it has the power to do so. The divide then, between heathly and unhealthy fear, lies in our trust of that power.

Fear is a statement of fact, "You have power over me." But unhealthy fear distorts that fact into a statement of mistrust, "You have power over me, and you might use it to hurt me." Fearing without trusting has become a defense mechanism for the wounded and terrified soul. And for good reason. We are repeatedly abused and victimized by different powers and authorities in our life. It's only natural to find yourself in a place of fearing just about everything, and trusting none of it.

And when you trust nothing, healthy fear IS a contradiction. Not to mention the idea of banishing fear, with fear itself. Because when you can't trust anything, everything then that has power must be seen as a threat. But, following the same logic, when you do trust something with your life, unhealthy fear also becomes a contradiction. Because when you actually trust in the power of something to protect you, then it is impossible to view any other force as a threat.

When you fear God, you are asserting his dominance and power above all things. And when you accompany this reverence with trust, you are not only saying that God is more powerful than anything that you will face or come against, but that he will also use that power for your good. If we claim this as truth, than the fear of God is the absence of all other fear. If our fear is divided, then so is our trust, and that is the real contradiction.

20 Things I Won't Apologize For

2009-10-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

Over the years I've watched people fight to be something they're not in an effort to comply with some spoken or unspoken societal pressure. I used to struggle with this a lot, not necessarily conformity, but feeling like I was in some way broken because I didn't fit into a nice little box, be it Christian, Female, American...whatever. Though there are certain things that, as people, we can/should change about ourselves, this is a post about the things that we should never have to change or apologize for. It's taken me years to decipher between the two, and it is still a constant process. So here it is, a rebellion and celebration, 20 commonly misunderstood things about me that need no apology.

*20 Things I Won't Apologize For:*

1. Loving Jesus
2. Having strong opinions
3. Not being emotional
4. Eating copious amounts of salt
5. Thinking the majority of Christian music is terrible
6. Choosing to do what I love in life over money and security
7. Being introverted
8. Not liking chick flicks
9. Loving gay people
10. Not being organized
11. Admitting that I want to have sex
12. Loving Harry Potter
13. Supporting seperation of church and state
14. Asking questions no one wants to answer
15. Having discernment
16. Believing that the church can be ugly
17. Believing that the church can be beautiful
18. Being scared of whales
19. Testing something out before I accept it
20. Liking myself.

Riddle Me This:

2009-10-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

Why 77% of Christians oppose "Gay Marriage" in an effort to "protect" and keep marriage "sacred". Yet, 60% of Christian marriages end in divorce.

Why a majority of Christians fight against abortion in an effort to "defend and protect" helpless children, yet there is an estimated 15-44 MILLION orphaned* children in the world. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard a Christian talk about defending or protecting the life of a child that's already alive, I'd maybe have...I dunno...15 cents?

In each situation, I am in no way telling you to abandon the former. I'm merely wondering why, with such an overly emphatic claim to "protect" these two things, there seems to be a wide abandonment on the latter. Just a question.

*This of course, is not even counting the number of children sold into slavery each year.

A paragraph on consistency.

2009-09-30T01:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'm funny. No seriously, I think I'm hilarious and there is nothing that anyone can say to change my mind about that. Because to me, any disagreement on the matter is not an actual reflection of my abilities, or lack thereof, it is merely a difference in humor. And when someone does think I'm funny, I'm just happy to share a similar sense of humor with another person. I mean, why on earth would I let something that is clearly a matter of perspective and opinion change the way I feel about myself? Right? Well it makes sense, but unfortunately I apply this logic too loosely to other areas of my life. When it comes to how I see myself in other areas, opinion and perspective have a tendency to dominate. I know God has called me to do music and lead worship, but no matter how much I know this, and would love to be grounded in this, one word can crush the confidence I have in my abilities. And it doesn't end there, I have a list of areas that are held together by fluctuating and useless opinion. I have a problem with consistency. And if I was to take a guess...I'd bet I'm not the only one.

2009-08-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.

No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.

I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.

Emotion

2009-08-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

I need to vent my frustration for a particular topic that I continually struggle with. Emotion. I know emotion is good, I know it is necessary, and I know without it the world would be void of love, compassion, or life. Feelings are like nerve-endings for the soul, they clue you in on what is going on inside of you and, when properly addressed, they give you the means to live a happy, productive, and aware life. I get all that. But I also get that they often distort reality, causing a seemingly loyal person to switch their loyalties at any given moment depending on "the mood". And obviously, as with anything, it's about balance. It's about allowing yourself to be in tune with what is going on inside of you so that you may act or move accordingly, yet at the same time, developing a logical reasoning for processing your emotion so that you don't become irrationally impulsive. But few actually do this, and I find myself continually hesistant to delve deeper into the chaotic and unpredictable world of "emotion". If we're being honest here, I don't want to be an unraveled mess. I don't want to switch my loyalties depending on every small change in my life. And I don't want to fall in love, because that makes people go straight up freakin crazy. Hah.

But I know after it's all said and done, this is really me fighting against the fear that if I do allow myself to open up and just "feel", then in my vulnerability I will lose all control. In the moment, I won't have a mapped out system for how im going to logically progress from this point. I won't be one step ahead of every person trying to love me. And I won't be able to reject someone before they reject me. And that, because we're being honest here, scares. the. hell. out. of. me. But I guess that's life, loving and living without condition or clause. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't know that I'm much closer than I was before, but at least I'm walking towards it, and that's really all we can ever do.

Thanks for listening.

A paragraph on doing what you're supposed to be doing

2009-07-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone tell you that all of the hard work and time you poured into something was essentially pointless? I have. A few years ago I was the "Toddler Coordinator" at South Hills, which meant I ran all volunteers, sunday school, childcare, etc. for ages 2-4. After a particularly long day I remember sitting there exhausted and frustrated when someone came up to me and said, "Where there is no joy there is no fruit." Everything inside of me wanted to punch this person in the face, because from where I was sitting, they had the nerve to "ignore" all my hardwork, discredit everything I had done, and basically tell me that I wasn't even making a difference. No, what they were telling me is that I was busying myself in a world that I wasn't designed to be in. And I was ignoring what I knew I was called to do, but I was too afraid to step into: worship. There's alot of things we "could" be doing, but there are few things that we were single handedly set apart and crafted from the hand of God to BE DOING. What is yours? And are you doing it?

A paragraph on loneliness.

2009-07-05T00:26:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, dating, and the loneliness in between. They were saying how hard and confusing it can be and how sometimes they just wish it would be over and they'd have someone who would love them, that they could love in return. It is hard, and confusing, and awkward, and painful, but maybe it's a small price to pay? Or at the very least it's worth it. Loneliness is never easy, or enjoyable, but maybe we need to readjust our focus ...Is it better to struggle with loneliness for a few years up front while we figure out who we are and inevitably who is right for us, or is it better to find someone, anyone, to marry and quench that loneliness right away and risk being lonely for the rest of our lives?

Grace

2009-06-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Grace manages to go entirely against my humanity, everything that my body and mind have known and fought for. Yet, at the same time it manages to answer every longing that my soul has ever had that I never knew was there. To be honest, it has produced an all out war within me. Because when I come in contact with grace I am all at once: broken by my own humanity, fighting to preserve my selfish desires, heartbroken by the pain of God's neglected children, restored by God's power to cover my failures, compelled to dispense grace to the unloved around the world, and at a loss with size of the need and the inadequacy of my abilities. Talk about an emotional conflict.

We hear about grace all the time, what is it that has ruined me now, over 20 years later? I suppose it's the true and neglected identity of grace that I have always ignored. And where, exactly would someone find such grace? Well, the interesting thing is that its in odd places, the unfortunate thing is that it's missing from most churches. A good indication of why it took me 20 years to encounter it. Another good indication of why I have no idea what to do with it. Christians, the supposed "purveyors of grace." The United States, the supposed "Christian Nation" of the world. If we were true to our name, would not the nation be set on fire by brokeness and restoration? Instead I watch as the christians of this nation deal out broken-grace and seperation. Have we "kept our families safe" or have we missed the mark when the homeless, the orphaned, and the addicted feel estranged from "the body". Have we sought after "our best life now" or have we forgotten to be the hands and feet to the sick and dying when we seek after vacation homes, pay increases, and new cars. Perhaps we are blind to grace because as the years go on people are no longer people. They are "a"'s or "the"'s. It's hard to give grace to inanimate objects, I don't feel compassion for my lamp the same as you don't feel compassion for your table. If the objects moved would this incite sentiment on our part? Not likely...it's not the lack of movement that defines an object, the object earns its title as an object simply because it will never be like me. "a" bum, or "a" whore, is as close to being me as my lamp is. In the opposite spectrum, this is why 9/11 was so powerful. You had an entire nation of differences, but within 10 minutes every single person in this nation had one thing in common: we were all under attack and our freedom was at stake. I could be them and they could be me because we were all going through the same thing, it was us against them. And as a result; an outpour of unity and brotherhood. Once again in the opposite spectrum, the terrorists were terrorists and we were Americans, we could never be them and they could never be us. And as a result; hatred for the entire nation of Iraq. If Suddam Hussein had been born in America and his name was John...well that would be a different story.

This reality has been made even more personal for me with the birth of my niece Alyssa. Currently, she's a little over a year and a half and she is the most fantastic person I know. She's beautiful, hilarious, loving, and seemingly untouched by the worlds imperfections. Then one day I realized she would grow up and someone somewhere would hate her, some guy might use her, some kid might offer her drugs, some girl may tell her that to get attention she needs to wear revealing clothes, who knows. One thing is for certain though...the world will corrupt her, and sin will entangle her, and as a result she will make decisions that ruin her innocence and turn others against her. Will that change the way I love her? Not a chance, because I watched her grow, I know she's just like me. I know that she's human and that like me, there are certain things she struggles with because of what she's gone through in life. And if she ended up on the streets, would she become just "a bum" or "a whore". No her name would still be Alyssa and I would fight like hell to save her. Because I would know that no matter what mess she's made of her life, she'll need rescuing just like I did. She'll need grace to break her and give her a second chance. She'll need redemption.

And of the billions of people around the world who have made a mess of their lives, will I happen to know the only one who deserves redemption? Will I happen to know the only one who started out as pure and beautiful?

No.

Because whether their name is Alyssa, or Saddam, or they've forgotten their own name because they've been labeled as something else for too long...they all started out as someone's daughter or son, as someones best friend, as a brother or sister or niece or nephew. But most importantly they have always been and always will be God's child. They're all loved by God and they all have a deep seeded desire to know his love now. Should we, as purveyors of grace, go to such great lengths to avoid and cringe at God's beautiful disasters? Or should we, as the beautifully restored disasters that we are, run full force at picking them up, dusting them off, and returning them to their maker?

They will never be, "a" bum, "a" whore, "a" homosexual, "a" drug addict, or "a" baby killer in God's eyes. Because they are His children and he can't see past that. Do you remember how it felt the first time when you found out God loved you? Can you recall the depth of your gratitude everytime He lovingly reminds you of that? Is there an instance where someone else portrayed Christ to you by loving you, forgiving you, or meeting a need you had?

Do those that we have labeled deserve the same?

Me

2009-06-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Blogs are about being real and allowing people into your life and heart, right? That being said, here is where I'm at.

I've always been quick to ignore passing "emotional" moments because i've seen them as manipulations of reality, but I'm slowly learning to embrace them as brief windows into the deepest parts of who I really am.

Where are you at?

The nature of obedience, and the obedience of nature.

2009-06-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I found myself with a little bit of extra time, so I decided to find the highest hill in Corona and just...sit. The view was overwhelming and except for the sound of the wind, it was almost entirely silent. When I do stuff like this I usually feel a mixture of things within minutes. The first obviously being peace, but the thing that never really made sense to me is that for some reason, I suddenly feel like life makes sense when I get away. Nature has this overwhelming power to wipe away confusion, and put your soul at rest. Which begs the question, "What am I fighting against, and why is the answer found here?".

Some would argue that it is the beauty of nature that eases the soul, but I'd have to disagree. There is obvious beauty found in nature, but if we are to compare nature by any standard of beauty, whether it be intricacy, diversity, or individuality then the beauty of humanity should far outweigh the beauty of nature. Likewise if we argue that nature has more vibrancy, color, and brilliance than found in humanity (which is debatable), than we should be met with the same clarity and rest in our souls when we walk into the sistene chapel. Is it moving? Yes. Is it breathtaking? For sure. Did I walk away making better sense of my life? No. Not saying that the sistene chapel, or anything else for that matter cannot bring clarity to someones life; understanding is found everywhere. But what I am saying is that nature holds an extraordinary power over our lives, because it hints at something that we lack. And within minutes it has the ability to take the most confused and distracted mind, and bring it to understanding. Why? What does nature possess, that sets it apart from everything else? What is it that calls to me, beckoning me to grab a hold? Obedience. The very essence of nature is obedience to its design. Trees grow, birds soar, the sun shines, and the clouds shade. And with it comes a calm that only nature can give. Nature is at peace with itself.

The problem with obedience, like most life-giving things in this world, is that we have perverted it to hold a negative connotation. Obedience is seen as binding and imprisoning. When we hear the word, we see images of obligatory compliance at the demand of an evil dictator. This evil dictator takes many shapes: Parents, Teachers, Hitler, God...etc. But in all cases, obedience is seen as a dreaded response to a higher power that has no apparent regard or concern for our life or our will as a person. And this view is fair enough. After all, if history is any indication, some incredibly awful things have been demanded in the name of "obedience". But despite the picture that has been painted, obedience remains the opposite of its dreaded portrayal.

Obedience at its truest form, is the freedom to be who you were designed to be. It's the call to rebel against the supposed "freedoms" that the world offers us, which we later discover have only imprisoned us further. And this applies to all areas of our life. Obedience isn't just about avoiding certain "sins", though make no mistake, what we know as "sin" isn't just some random collection of made up "don'ts"; there is a reason they call it death. And until you've been on the other side, you can't possibly know the overwhelming joy and freedom that comes from walking away from it. But there's more to it, true obedience is being at peace with yourself and your design. When I sat on that hill I was drawn to the serenity and obedience of the nature all around me, not out of obligation but out of freedom to be exactly what it was designed to be. And down the hill I could see the structured chaos that I had been fighting against, the world that was telling me that in order to survive I had to deny my design. But if nature has taught me anything, its that obedience is freeing, it's calming; it brings peace, and it brings life. Obedience silences the voices that tell you that you don't measure up. Obedience rejects the idea that you must conform in order to be valuable. And obedience looks at a world of manufactured desperation and says, "You don't own me." Because you were created with passions, and talents, and a life that beats to a certain rhythm. So here's the question, if peace is found in obedience...

What are you fighting against?

The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul

2009-05-28T00:00:00.001-07:00

There's so much I want to say but I am suuuuper tired, so I will limit it. There's this song that I'm in love with and every once in awhile when I hear it I cry because the words communicate a depth that almost doesn't feel possible, and ironically enough it's about words not being able to communicate this certain depth...hah. But anyways, I figured I'd share it.

"Words could never say the way he says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way he looks at me
He sees me holy
Words could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

You would not believe the way he touches me
He burns right through me
I could not forget any word he said
He always knew me
The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

I can't hold my love back from you
I have to sing, I have to sing
Sing my love"

I'm completely in love with it. It's like hearing someone describe what you've always wanted, but have never able to describe. Anyways, I am continually rocked by these words. So I figured, why not share them. Peace!

"Progress"

2009-05-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ya know what's crazy? That I feel like my biggest step forward in a long time is to take a step backward. I feel like my idea of progress has been shattered, and the more I try to over complicate it, the more simplified it becomes. God's been revealing the beauty of his kingdom and it looks nothing like the picture I had painted in my head. Not that it can't or won't, but I'm realizing I need to appreciate the intricate details of it if I'm ever going to understand the fullness of it. I've always been a "bigger picture" kind of person. When I think of slavery, I don't want to just help one person, I want to eradicate it. And when I think of the church, I don't want a handful of people who really understand the power of Jesus' message, I want our entire nation to be an unstoppable force of grace and love. And I believe I've been given that passion and vision because large-scale change is possible, but not before we learn to appreciate the small details of the kingdom.
Most of you know I don't have a job right now, and unfortunately I sometimes use such an insignificant detail to determine my success. So lame. But honestly, its given me the freedom to define myself by the kingdoms standards and not America's. And its helped me fall in love all over again with the simplicity of life and what we're really designed to do. So I figured I'd share some of the things that God has been helping me fall in love with all over again, with no pressure of societal "success" tied to it...

Jesus- I love him more with every single breath I take. I love him so much it hurts. I still can't grasp how life could instantly have so much depth and meaning and fullness once he's apart of it. And I still can't get over how thankful I am that I can't mess that up...ever.

Music- I love music and I honestly believe it is tied closely to the heart of God, because it has the ability to speak depths that you couldn't verbally communicate if you tried. I'm finding music says more about life than we'll ever be able to.

People- There's so much beauty in the ordinary things that people say and do and we miss it, all the time. People are the most beautiful creations of God and we pass them off as average. Humanity is God's masterpiece...sometimes I wonder how I could miss that.

Children- Whether they're 1 or 21 or anywhere in between, I'm realizing more and more how much they need someone...anyone to value their life and care about their brokeness.

Nature- The world we live in is stunning. I think we forget because it's easy to ignore something you've always had, but its beautiful. And the more I pay attention the more I realize God's insane love and attention to detail.

God's seriously re-defining progress in my life, who knew that sometimes what you need is to take a giant step back?

2009-01-02T17:22:00.000-08:00

I just found out after having a consultation with my new jaw surgeon that all these surgeries and all this orthodontic work that I've had has nothing to do with my TMJ and it won't correct or fix it at all. That's just crazy to me...I didn't want to go through any of this but I did because I was told that it was the only hope I had of correcting my problem. Now sitting here more than half-way through and finding out that the two things have nothing to do with eachother is kind of crazy. I don't know. I mean obviously I've come this far so I have to complete it, and the process has other benefits outside of what I originally started doing it for. But still, what a bummer.

You Deserve Love.

2008-11-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile I go through this lull where I forget what it's like to be blown away by who Christ is. And then, shortly after, I'll get rocked to the core with the reality of his existence and I'll wonder how I went so long without being overwhelmed by Him.

But the truth is, I am overwhelmed by Him. Everything about who He is blows me away. He breaks and ruins who I am, yet simultaneously he mends and completes. It's bizarre, and incredible and for 6 years I've tried to put words to it and have been unable to do so. Some would call this a frivolous devotion. In fact, some of the people I love even most in this world think I'm crazy, or misguided, or fill in the blank. And that's hard and its painful, but it's who I am. And whether it makes sense or not, nothing will change the fact that Jesus Christ is what I live and breathe for. In a world that's crazy and unpredictable, he remains the truest reality I've ever known. And I'll never apologize for that, but I promise...I will try my hardest to love the way He loves.

And when I inevitably fail at this from time to time, know that it's not because of who God is that I, or other Christians, act like that. It's because sometimes, like everyone else, we simply forget what it means to love. And sometimes, we spend more time being consumed with ourselves than being overwhelmed by who Christ is. This results in a lot of unfortunate mistakes. However, fail or forget as I may, please know that I will never stop trying to love you the way you deserve to be loved. That, you have my word on.

A Note to Christians

2008-11-04T22:26:00.000-08:00

So Obama was elected president, and I'm pretty upset and dissapointed right now, but before you go all "well you should be this is horrible!" on me, I'm not dissapointed for the reason you think I am. I'm dissapointed because I don't think I have ever witnessed such overwhelming hatred in my life as I have today, or the past few months for that matter. I'm not talking about the candidates, I'm talking about the American people. And what kills me even more is that the bulk of this rage is coming from christians. There's a difference between defending your beliefs, and spewing hatred. It's one thing to disagree with a candidate, or a policy; it's an entirely different thing to turn on your fellow believers over something like politics. And to do it in the name of God is...heartbreaking. In the past month I've watched as enraged christians do unspeakable things in the name of godliness, all the while their demeanor, words, and actions show anything but. I've seen devoted followers of Christ be told by fellow believers that they're not really a christian because of their polictical preference. Do you understand the seriousness of that? To speak judgement on someones soul because they happen to feel differently than you on issues of government, most of which, if not all, are not even outlined in the bible??? You know what is outlined in the bible? The seriousness of judging someones heart. Someone can claim godliness on their actions all day long, but when those godly actions oppose the word they so "confidently" speak on...something is wrong with that picture. This isn't a fight, this is a plea to end the fight before the dissention grows wider. Today I honestly felt like a part of America took a large step back, and not because Barack Obama was elected president, but because I watched the light of this nation cloud over with division and hatred. I've spent many nights(previous to this election) in tears over the increasing lack of God's love and grace in the American church, and after today all I can say is..the only way the enemy is winning anything in this election is if we allow this hatred to consume us and ultimately...to divide.

A Jealous God

2008-10-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

I read a quote yesterday that broke me. And I think if I had read the quote at any other time, it wouldn't have really had that much of an effect on me. Which a) sucks and b)made me realize how long it's been since i've been broken by this thought. It was from that book "Children's Letters to God", which is basically a book comprised of quotes from children, to God. Some are questions, some are statements, or requests, but all are pretty funny, simplistic, and insanely insightful. So I'm in the middle of researching some references for this worship curriculum I'm writing for the church, and I come across this quote, and it said:

"Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
-Jane"

Immediately after I finished reading this I just started crying because it painted such an accurate, vulnerable picture of God and his crazy love and longing for us, for me. All of a sudden I was reminded both of God's affection for me and of my constant willingness to neglect the one thing I know I'll always have. God is God, we always think of him having everything. He created it, he owns it. But he doesn't. He doesn't own our hearts; he allows us to choose who and what we'll give our lives to. All the while he sits there longing for us like a lovesick teenager. And we walk through life careless and oblivious to his persistance; toying him along and occasionally dabbling in the affections of another distraction.

What hit me hardest was that as I was in the middle of focusing on what worship meant, I realized that it was the one and only thing that we can truly give to God. Anything else we choose to give to him is simply like re-gifting to the person who gave it to you the year before, except now its in slightly worse condition than it was when you received it. Worship is the only thing we can give to him that he hasn't given to us first. And even in this, he only wants our hearts, he doesn't care how it looks or how it sounds, he just wants us. He is a jealous lover, desperate for our affection. And we forget this, and we make worship about a mindless ritual, and we decorate it all fancy, and we say the right things, just to make it look like we mean it. But sometimes I don't, sometimes I care more about what happened in my day than my relentless lovesick pursuer. And far too often, I brush him off for something "more important". But he remains there fixed, waiting for me to look at him long enough so that he can remind me the way his heart beats for me. That's all at once, huge, powerful, mind-blowing, and overwhelming. Because he's God. He could and should have everything in the world in his possession. But he doesn't, instead he sits patiently and like a man desperately in love, he pines for my affection.

2008-07-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

Life is bizarre. And I almost think that it feels bizarre because it's anything but. It's almost as if I'm expecting everything to be far more complicated than it actually is, and I've pretty much been in this exact state for the past year and a half. Every single day I wake up with this feeling that I'm finally going to grab hold of something earth shattering. Like one day I will hear, see, or be presented with something that finally allows me to drop all the mundanity of life and just radically live out what I'm passionate about. And it's in holding out for this spectacular revelation, that I've denied the beauty and passion that fills everyday life. I spend most of my time attempting to crack this elusive code, and in the process I walk blindly past exactly what I'm searching for.

And ya know, it gets hard. I don't want to live the typical all-american life. I don't want to spend 35% of my waking life at a job that I hate, just so I can buy a luxury car or a vacation home on lake havasu. I want to see broken people touch Jesus. The real Jesus, not the fake Jesus laced throughout western christianity. I want to create music that moves souls. I want to love the people that the world ignores. I want to fight against injustice. I want to write words that cause other people to stand up and fight. I want my hands and my feet to speak the loudest. I want children to feel safe when I hold them. I want to watch the church learn the true meaning of grace. I want to touch the ground of every country in this world. I want to do a lot of things. All of which are infinitely bigger than me or my capabilities, but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is my inability to see most of this after I walk out the door in the morning. It's all around, but I'm pre-occupied with the concerns of my culture. And let's face it, we live in the starbucks generation, it's hard to notice the woman with the worried expression when I've got 15 minutes to make it from work to my next conquest. And I don't think I really have a solid answer to this, I don't know that this post is any more than me trying to figure out my purpose in my present situation. Because life isn't going to be different when I wake up tomorrow, I will still have more tasks than I do time, but maybe I'm attempting to crack yet another code, and in reality the answer is quite simple: the world changes one life at a time.

Hah!

2008-07-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

"Cetaphobia takes many shapes. Some sufferers report very dire fear of whale attack, while others are frightened only of the sounds they make. Some report a suspicion of malevolence or predatory intent, while others see whales as benign but unpredictable. Their sheer size intimidates some, as well as their inky domain in the deep sea. Some fear the gigantic Blue Whale, while others fear only the Orca.

As broad-sweeping as these manifestations may be, all fear of whales may be classified as cetaphobia."

I understand this may not make me less weird...but I now at least know there are others who are just as crazy. woo!

2008-06-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I had to write up a report for child abuse because one of my kids told me that his moms boyfriend shoved his sisters head into a wall. I saw her today and asked her how she got the bump and bruising on her forehead, after a long pause she fumbled around and said "um um...umm I tripped over a big rock at my house. Yeah, we have lots of big rocks everywhere."

I was watching the 3 year old classroom today while the teacher was gone and i was flipping through the "I love my dad because..." pictures the kids made for father's day, Michael had a picture of him and his dad and at the top the teacher wrote what he said when she asked him that question. It said, "I love my dad because...I want him to come stay at my house."

Yesterday I had to explain to a 5 year old that just because someone looks at you when you walk by them doesn't mean its ok to tell them that you're going to cut their head off.

I could go on...honestly. This is all stuff that's happened in a span of two days. And it's not even all of it. I feel like I'm watching a train wreck when I look at these kids. Most of them don't have both parents, several of their mothers have lost custody of them because of neglect, drug abuse, etc. One of them actually lost custody because she repeatedly left her 2 year old daughter in the car while she went and robbed houses. Remarkable. Saying that this crap breaks my heart is an understatement. It's borderline torture to watch them grow into the life of neglect that has been mapped out for them. These kids deserve good parents, they deserve to be read bedtime stories, they deserve to have some freakin stability in their lives. And it's hard because I can't go in there and take them away from it all. All I can do is hold them when I see them, and joke around with them, and tell them how smart they are. And I know that that matters, I just can't help but wonder, isn't this the type of battle we should be fighting?

Christians fight for unborn children all the time, but what about the ones who are alive, the ones who are suffering and feeling every blow that they get dealt? Is it because God really cares more about unborn babies? No. It's because thats easier. It's easier to care about abortion because it takes the responsibility off of us. All we have to do is tell someone how to live their life and then they either a) do, and you've "claimed another victory for Christ" or b) they don't, and you place eternal shame on them. It's a win-win, we feel like we're making a difference without getting our hands dirty. Because real children are hard to fight for, you actually have to step into their lives and love them where they're at, and that's complicated and sacrificial. But that's what Christ called us to, he called us to love with our hands and our feet. He asked us to fight for justice of the oppressed, the ones who don't have a voice. Because if we don't fight for them, no one will. This isn't to say that this is the only need in the world. It extends far beyond this. But I guess if I was to ask one thing, I can't help but wonder, what are we actually fighting for?

2008-05-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

I had an odd realization today. Odd because I didn't see it coming, and odd because I feel like I should have already realized my sudden realization.Today I realized that God uses specific gifts he has given us to bring himself glory, and by us using those gifts we are able to communicate the glory of God to other people. Now I know...that's profound...I'll give it a second to sink in. Good? Ok, let us continue. So here's why I feel stupid...do you have any idea how many times I've probably rambled on about this exact thing? I couldn't even tell you. This particular phrase is one of the most cliche uses of Christian verbatim, and I'm completely guilty of it. But honestly, I believed it wholeheartedly, I just hadn't realized it fully. Today, however, my belief became tangible for me.

I work at a preschool and my kids were in the middle of practicing songs for graduation when I realized that I had my guitar in the car. The teacher I work with had been wanting me to bring in my guitar for a long time, but honestly I just hadn't felt like dealing with it before. Today however, I thought, "meh why not", she wanted to do America the Beautiful with the kids and I figured I could probably figure it out. So I got my guitar, figured out the chords, and sat down with the kids to do the song. We went through it and when we were done she randomly got all emotional. Which was kind of surprising so I of course got all embarassed and then she felt it necessary to go get all the other teachers and kids which made it even more uncomfortable. By this point I just wanted to dissapear and it was funny because afterwards I just kept thinking, "This is why I hate singing outside of worship." All of a sudden you feel like you're performing and the attention isn't on God, it's on your ability to dazzle the "audience". And that's when I got blinded by my realization...

She came up to me a little later and started talking to me about singing and guitar and all that jazz and she said "You totally surprised me, I was just sitting here and I started tearing up because you sang it so beautiful, you sang it with such meaning. It just moved me so much." Which sidenote, was really funny that God would use this because it was America the beautiful of all songs, a song that I ironically refused to sing in a church setting because of my unwillingness to associate God with the wealth of America. Go figure. But anyways, I sing with meaning because I love God, not because I love America. It doesn't matter what I'm playing on the guitar or what I'm singing about, I feel God in music, I feel God in the areas that he has gifted me and the areas that he has given me passion. For me, it's all connected, secular or christian, I feel God in music. What surprised me however, is that the meaning and passion I feel was somehow translated to her in the process. I guess I ignorantly thought, "Well I know why I'm doing this, but other's won't see God in it, they'll just see a song and whether or not I botch said song." But then she completely surprises me and says, "Ya know I would really love to hear you sing some Christian songs." And it hit me, she understood, she totally understood. Maybe she didn't know that she did, but...she did. She knew for me, music was more than music, she could feel something behind it driving me. And she knew from previous conversations that I loved God, and she connected the two.

This blew my mind. And made me feel somewhat ashamed, because how often do I talk about someone using their gifts to glorify God? It's not that I had forgotten this, I just had such a narrow understanding of this truth. For me, someone used their gifts to glorify God in appropriate Christian settings. They sang songs about Jesus, they painted pictures of forgiveness, they lead small groups. In this way they were using their gifts to glorify God, by using them to do "Godly" things. What a narrow-minded naive view of God and his power. What if God gifted us with certain talents for the sole purpose of using them for His glory as we walk in them every day? What would it look like if we used our talents to communicate God's glory in every setting? What about the people who aren't there to hear our songs about Jesus, or watch us effectively lead a small group? When are they going to see God? When we decide to throw out the obligatory "God bless" after awkward small talk? What if we simply discovered our talents and lived them with passion and excellence? This isn't an attempt to cheapen the efforts of using our talents in christian settings, I think that is absolutely essential. It's saying that what if we didn't stop there? What if we utilized every inch of our ability's to scream out our satisfaction in God and His mind-blowing creation? It's about living with meaning, acting with purpose, showcasing our satisfaction in God...that's what moves people, that's what displays God's glory.

Today I realized that I could show someone God by loving what he's created and what he's given me. And in this single moment, God was probably showcased more than in any of my previous attempts to talk about my church or the obligatory Christian one-liners. In this single moment...my satisfaction said more than my words ever could.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
-1 Corinthians 10:31

Who's excited?

2008-05-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

Debi's excited

2008-05-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sure this thing is meant to be an outpouring of super encouraging notes on life, but right now I'm mostly confused about some of the things we do as humans. What a drag I know. Oh well, here are some things that I really don't understand...

1. The Question: "What are you thinking?"

This is probably an odd thing to have beef with, but seriously, I find this question incredibly illogical. And here's why...typically when someone is quiet enough that they are asked this question it is for one of these following reasons:

1. They're shy
2. They haven't completed their thought
3. They're thinking something private

Ok, so maybe I missed some obscure reason why this question gets asked, but either way...lets deal with the basics. If it's #1, then enough said...the person is shy, and probing them for information isn't going to make them feel more comfortable. If you find yourself in scenario #2 then you have now cut someone off in mid-thought. They wouldn't be able to tell you even if they wanted to because you just interrupted their thinking to ask what they're thinking. And if you have a case of #3 then you just created a horribly awkward situation. They won't tell you because they had no intention of telling you in the first place. but now you for some reason feel hurt that they're not "being open with you" when they didn't even ask to be put in that situation in the first place. Case in point, if someone wants to share what is on their mind then they would be doing just that, and there would be no need to ask them to do so. It makes no sense.

2. Cutting in Line

Whether it's at the airport, the dmv, in traffic, or the lunchline; cutting in line makes no sense to me. Sure I "understand" why people do it, but I really don't. And what really confuses me is why it's such a common occurance amongst adults. It seems like this is something we would have grown past after 2nd grade, but we haven't because I watch it everyday on the 15 freeway. Most likely because you're in the safety of your own car and you can behave however you want to. But for whatever reason, I feel like this act alone speaks volumes about character. I know, I know, it's really not "that" big of a deal. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it is. And I'm going to say that the only reason that we feel it's insignificant is because we see it so much that we've been conditioned to accept it. Like most things in life. It's amazing the things we accept just because it's always been like that. And its amazing the ideas we reject simply because we've never done it that way. We are conditioned animals. But anyways, back to cutting in line. For me, I think cutting in line is one of the most selfish acts out there. Because to do so, you must say to yourself "I know that everyone else is waiting, I know that theyre in the same position that I am, but...but...I want it". To me, that shows complete inability to assess a situation with matured reasoning.

For the sake of brevity I will end here...I wanted to go into nuclear war and all that good stuff but really, who has the time? I'm kidding. About the nuclear war. Not that I'm for it...well...you get what I mean. hah.

2008-04-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

How can 800 million people starve each year when the world has more food and resources today than ever before?

How can there be a shortage of clean water when I have over 10,000 gallons in my swimming pool alone?

How can 2.7 million people die each year when their death could have been prevented by a $5 mosquito net?

How can children be used as sex toys while people all around the world sit there and let it happen?

How can millions of people lose their lives to diarrhea when it's incredily curable and insignificant here?

How can humans be purchased?

And how can there be 143 million orphaned children in the world that have no one to love or care about them?

HOW?

I <3 Spring

2008-04-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

What the french toast?

2008-04-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

This thing is so simple that it's confusing. Now that's a paradox if I ever saw one.