The nature of obedience, and the obedience of nature.

Two days ago I found myself with a little bit of extra time, so I decided to find the highest hill in Corona and just...sit. The view was overwhelming and except for the sound of the wind, it was almost entirely silent. When I do stuff like this I usually feel a mixture of things within minutes. The first obviously being peace, but the thing that never really made sense to me is that for some reason, I suddenly feel like life makes sense when I get away. Nature has this overwhelming power to wipe away confusion, and put your soul at rest. Which begs the question, "What am I fighting against, and why is the answer found here?".

Some would argue that it is the beauty of nature that eases the soul, but I'd have to disagree. There is obvious beauty found in nature, but if we are to compare nature by any standard of beauty, whether it be intricacy, diversity, or individuality then the beauty of humanity should far outweigh the beauty of nature. Likewise if we argue that nature has more vibrancy, color, and brilliance than found in humanity (which is debatable), than we should be met with the same clarity and rest in our souls when we walk into the sistene chapel. Is it moving? Yes. Is it breathtaking? For sure. Did I walk away making better sense of my life? No. Not saying that the sistene chapel, or anything else for that matter cannot bring clarity to someones life; understanding is found everywhere. But what I am saying is that nature holds an extraordinary power over our lives, because it hints at something that we lack. And within minutes it has the ability to take the most confused and distracted mind, and bring it to understanding. Why? What does nature possess, that sets it apart from everything else? What is it that calls to me, beckoning me to grab a hold? Obedience. The very essence of nature is obedience to its design. Trees grow, birds soar, the sun shines, and the clouds shade. And with it comes a calm that only nature can give. Nature is at peace with itself.

The problem with obedience, like most life-giving things in this world, is that we have perverted it to hold a negative connotation. Obedience is seen as binding and imprisoning. When we hear the word, we see images of obligatory compliance at the demand of an evil dictator. This evil dictator takes many shapes: Parents, Teachers, Hitler, God...etc. But in all cases, obedience is seen as a dreaded response to a higher power that has no apparent regard or concern for our life or our will as a person. And this view is fair enough. After all, if history is any indication, some incredibly awful things have been demanded in the name of "obedience". But despite the picture that has been painted, obedience remains the opposite of its dreaded portrayal.

Obedience at its truest form, is the freedom to be who you were designed to be. It's the call to rebel against the supposed "freedoms" that the world offers us, which we later discover have only imprisoned us further. And this applies to all areas of our life. Obedience isn't just about avoiding certain "sins", though make no mistake, what we know as "sin" isn't just some random collection of made up "don'ts"; there is a reason they call it death. And until you've been on the other side, you can't possibly know the overwhelming joy and freedom that comes from walking away from it. But there's more to it, true obedience is being at peace with yourself and your design. When I sat on that hill I was drawn to the serenity and obedience of the nature all around me, not out of obligation but out of freedom to be exactly what it was designed to be. And down the hill I could see the structured chaos that I had been fighting against, the world that was telling me that in order to survive I had to deny my design. But if nature has taught me anything, its that obedience is freeing, it's calming; it brings peace, and it brings life. Obedience silences the voices that tell you that you don't measure up. Obedience rejects the idea that you must conform in order to be valuable. And obedience looks at a world of manufactured desperation and says, "You don't own me." Because you were created with passions, and talents, and a life that beats to a certain rhythm. So here's the question, if peace is found in obedience...

What are you fighting against?

The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul

There's so much I want to say but I am suuuuper tired, so I will limit it. There's this song that I'm in love with and every once in awhile when I hear it I cry because the words communicate a depth that almost doesn't feel possible, and ironically enough it's about words not being able to communicate this certain depth...hah. But anyways, I figured I'd share it.

"Words could never say the way he says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way he looks at me
He sees me holy
Words could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

You would not believe the way he touches me
He burns right through me
I could not forget any word he said
He always knew me
The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

I can't hold my love back from you
I have to sing, I have to sing
Sing my love"

I'm completely in love with it. It's like hearing someone describe what you've always wanted, but have never able to describe. Anyways, I am continually rocked by these words. So I figured, why not share them. Peace!

"Progress"

Ya know what's crazy? That I feel like my biggest step forward in a long time is to take a step backward. I feel like my idea of progress has been shattered, and the more I try to over complicate it, the more simplified it becomes. God's been revealing the beauty of his kingdom and it looks nothing like the picture I had painted in my head. Not that it can't or won't, but I'm realizing I need to appreciate the intricate details of it if I'm ever going to understand the fullness of it. I've always been a "bigger picture" kind of person. When I think of slavery, I don't want to just help one person, I want to eradicate it. And when I think of the church, I don't want a handful of people who really understand the power of Jesus' message, I want our entire nation to be an unstoppable force of grace and love. And I believe I've been given that passion and vision because large-scale change is possible, but not before we learn to appreciate the small details of the kingdom.
Most of you know I don't have a job right now, and unfortunately I sometimes use such an insignificant detail to determine my success. So lame. But honestly, its given me the freedom to define myself by the kingdoms standards and not America's. And its helped me fall in love all over again with the simplicity of life and what we're really designed to do. So I figured I'd share some of the things that God has been helping me fall in love with all over again, with no pressure of societal "success" tied to it...

Jesus- I love him more with every single breath I take. I love him so much it hurts. I still can't grasp how life could instantly have so much depth and meaning and fullness once he's apart of it. And I still can't get over how thankful I am that I can't mess that up...ever.

Music- I love music and I honestly believe it is tied closely to the heart of God, because it has the ability to speak depths that you couldn't verbally communicate if you tried. I'm finding music says more about life than we'll ever be able to.

People- There's so much beauty in the ordinary things that people say and do and we miss it, all the time. People are the most beautiful creations of God and we pass them off as average. Humanity is God's masterpiece...sometimes I wonder how I could miss that.

Children- Whether they're 1 or 21 or anywhere in between, I'm realizing more and more how much they need someone...anyone to value their life and care about their brokeness.

Nature- The world we live in is stunning. I think we forget because it's easy to ignore something you've always had, but its beautiful. And the more I pay attention the more I realize God's insane love and attention to detail.

God's seriously re-defining progress in my life, who knew that sometimes what you need is to take a giant step back?

I just found out after having a consultation with my new jaw surgeon that all these surgeries and all this orthodontic work that I've had has nothing to do with my TMJ and it won't correct or fix it at all. That's just crazy to me...I didn't want to go through any of this but I did because I was told that it was the only hope I had of correcting my problem. Now sitting here more than half-way through and finding out that the two things have nothing to do with eachother is kind of crazy. I don't know. I mean obviously I've come this far so I have to complete it, and the process has other benefits outside of what I originally started doing it for. But still, what a bummer.

You Deserve Love.

Every once in awhile I go through this lull where I forget what it's like to be blown away by who Christ is. And then, shortly after, I'll get rocked to the core with the reality of his existence and I'll wonder how I went so long without being overwhelmed by Him.

But the truth is, I am overwhelmed by Him. Everything about who He is blows me away. He breaks and ruins who I am, yet simultaneously he mends and completes. It's bizarre, and incredible and for 6 years I've tried to put words to it and have been unable to do so. Some would call this a frivolous devotion. In fact, some of the people I love even most in this world think I'm crazy, or misguided, or fill in the blank. And that's hard and its painful, but it's who I am. And whether it makes sense or not, nothing will change the fact that Jesus Christ is what I live and breathe for. In a world that's crazy and unpredictable, he remains the truest reality I've ever known. And I'll never apologize for that, but I promise...I will try my hardest to love the way He loves.

And when I inevitably fail at this from time to time, know that it's not because of who God is that I, or other Christians, act like that. It's because sometimes, like everyone else, we simply forget what it means to love. And sometimes, we spend more time being consumed with ourselves than being overwhelmed by who Christ is. This results in a lot of unfortunate mistakes. However, fail or forget as I may, please know that I will never stop trying to love you the way you deserve to be loved. That, you have my word on.

A Note to Christians

So Obama was elected president, and I'm pretty upset and dissapointed right now, but before you go all "well you should be this is horrible!" on me, I'm not dissapointed for the reason you think I am. I'm dissapointed because I don't think I have ever witnessed such overwhelming hatred in my life as I have today, or the past few months for that matter. I'm not talking about the candidates, I'm talking about the American people. And what kills me even more is that the bulk of this rage is coming from christians. There's a difference between defending your beliefs, and spewing hatred. It's one thing to disagree with a candidate, or a policy; it's an entirely different thing to turn on your fellow believers over something like politics. And to do it in the name of God is...heartbreaking. In the past month I've watched as enraged christians do unspeakable things in the name of godliness, all the while their demeanor, words, and actions show anything but. I've seen devoted followers of Christ be told by fellow believers that they're not really a christian because of their polictical preference. Do you understand the seriousness of that? To speak judgement on someones soul because they happen to feel differently than you on issues of government, most of which, if not all, are not even outlined in the bible??? You know what is outlined in the bible? The seriousness of judging someones heart. Someone can claim godliness on their actions all day long, but when those godly actions oppose the word they so "confidently" speak on...something is wrong with that picture. This isn't a fight, this is a plea to end the fight before the dissention grows wider. Today I honestly felt like a part of America took a large step back, and not because Barack Obama was elected president, but because I watched the light of this nation cloud over with division and hatred. I've spent many nights(previous to this election) in tears over the increasing lack of God's love and grace in the American church, and after today all I can say is..the only way the enemy is winning anything in this election is if we allow this hatred to consume us and ultimately...to divide.

A Jealous God

I read a quote yesterday that broke me. And I think if I had read the quote at any other time, it wouldn't have really had that much of an effect on me. Which a) sucks and b)made me realize how long it's been since i've been broken by this thought. It was from that book "Children's Letters to God", which is basically a book comprised of quotes from children, to God. Some are questions, some are statements, or requests, but all are pretty funny, simplistic, and insanely insightful. So I'm in the middle of researching some references for this worship curriculum I'm writing for the church, and I come across this quote, and it said:

"Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
-Jane"

Immediately after I finished reading this I just started crying because it painted such an accurate, vulnerable picture of God and his crazy love and longing for us, for me. All of a sudden I was reminded both of God's affection for me and of my constant willingness to neglect the one thing I know I'll always have. God is God, we always think of him having everything. He created it, he owns it. But he doesn't. He doesn't own our hearts; he allows us to choose who and what we'll give our lives to. All the while he sits there longing for us like a lovesick teenager. And we walk through life careless and oblivious to his persistance; toying him along and occasionally dabbling in the affections of another distraction.

What hit me hardest was that as I was in the middle of focusing on what worship meant, I realized that it was the one and only thing that we can truly give to God. Anything else we choose to give to him is simply like re-gifting to the person who gave it to you the year before, except now its in slightly worse condition than it was when you received it. Worship is the only thing we can give to him that he hasn't given to us first. And even in this, he only wants our hearts, he doesn't care how it looks or how it sounds, he just wants us. He is a jealous lover, desperate for our affection. And we forget this, and we make worship about a mindless ritual, and we decorate it all fancy, and we say the right things, just to make it look like we mean it. But sometimes I don't, sometimes I care more about what happened in my day than my relentless lovesick pursuer. And far too often, I brush him off for something "more important". But he remains there fixed, waiting for me to look at him long enough so that he can remind me the way his heart beats for me. That's all at once, huge, powerful, mind-blowing, and overwhelming. Because he's God. He could and should have everything in the world in his possession. But he doesn't, instead he sits patiently and like a man desperately in love, he pines for my affection.