I just found out after having a consultation with my new jaw surgeon that all these surgeries and all this orthodontic work that I've had has nothing to do with my TMJ and it won't correct or fix it at all. That's just crazy to me...I didn't want to go through any of this but I did because I was told that it was the only hope I had of correcting my problem. Now sitting here more than half-way through and finding out that the two things have nothing to do with eachother is kind of crazy. I don't know. I mean obviously I've come this far so I have to complete it, and the process has other benefits outside of what I originally started doing it for. But still, what a bummer.

You Deserve Love.

Every once in awhile I go through this lull where I forget what it's like to be blown away by who Christ is. And then, shortly after, I'll get rocked to the core with the reality of his existence and I'll wonder how I went so long without being overwhelmed by Him.

But the truth is, I am overwhelmed by Him. Everything about who He is blows me away. He breaks and ruins who I am, yet simultaneously he mends and completes. It's bizarre, and incredible and for 6 years I've tried to put words to it and have been unable to do so. Some would call this a frivolous devotion. In fact, some of the people I love even most in this world think I'm crazy, or misguided, or fill in the blank. And that's hard and its painful, but it's who I am. And whether it makes sense or not, nothing will change the fact that Jesus Christ is what I live and breathe for. In a world that's crazy and unpredictable, he remains the truest reality I've ever known. And I'll never apologize for that, but I promise...I will try my hardest to love the way He loves.

And when I inevitably fail at this from time to time, know that it's not because of who God is that I, or other Christians, act like that. It's because sometimes, like everyone else, we simply forget what it means to love. And sometimes, we spend more time being consumed with ourselves than being overwhelmed by who Christ is. This results in a lot of unfortunate mistakes. However, fail or forget as I may, please know that I will never stop trying to love you the way you deserve to be loved. That, you have my word on.

A Note to Christians

So Obama was elected president, and I'm pretty upset and dissapointed right now, but before you go all "well you should be this is horrible!" on me, I'm not dissapointed for the reason you think I am. I'm dissapointed because I don't think I have ever witnessed such overwhelming hatred in my life as I have today, or the past few months for that matter. I'm not talking about the candidates, I'm talking about the American people. And what kills me even more is that the bulk of this rage is coming from christians. There's a difference between defending your beliefs, and spewing hatred. It's one thing to disagree with a candidate, or a policy; it's an entirely different thing to turn on your fellow believers over something like politics. And to do it in the name of God is...heartbreaking. In the past month I've watched as enraged christians do unspeakable things in the name of godliness, all the while their demeanor, words, and actions show anything but. I've seen devoted followers of Christ be told by fellow believers that they're not really a christian because of their polictical preference. Do you understand the seriousness of that? To speak judgement on someones soul because they happen to feel differently than you on issues of government, most of which, if not all, are not even outlined in the bible??? You know what is outlined in the bible? The seriousness of judging someones heart. Someone can claim godliness on their actions all day long, but when those godly actions oppose the word they so "confidently" speak on...something is wrong with that picture. This isn't a fight, this is a plea to end the fight before the dissention grows wider. Today I honestly felt like a part of America took a large step back, and not because Barack Obama was elected president, but because I watched the light of this nation cloud over with division and hatred. I've spent many nights(previous to this election) in tears over the increasing lack of God's love and grace in the American church, and after today all I can say is..the only way the enemy is winning anything in this election is if we allow this hatred to consume us and ultimately...to divide.

A Jealous God

I read a quote yesterday that broke me. And I think if I had read the quote at any other time, it wouldn't have really had that much of an effect on me. Which a) sucks and b)made me realize how long it's been since i've been broken by this thought. It was from that book "Children's Letters to God", which is basically a book comprised of quotes from children, to God. Some are questions, some are statements, or requests, but all are pretty funny, simplistic, and insanely insightful. So I'm in the middle of researching some references for this worship curriculum I'm writing for the church, and I come across this quote, and it said:

"Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
-Jane"

Immediately after I finished reading this I just started crying because it painted such an accurate, vulnerable picture of God and his crazy love and longing for us, for me. All of a sudden I was reminded both of God's affection for me and of my constant willingness to neglect the one thing I know I'll always have. God is God, we always think of him having everything. He created it, he owns it. But he doesn't. He doesn't own our hearts; he allows us to choose who and what we'll give our lives to. All the while he sits there longing for us like a lovesick teenager. And we walk through life careless and oblivious to his persistance; toying him along and occasionally dabbling in the affections of another distraction.

What hit me hardest was that as I was in the middle of focusing on what worship meant, I realized that it was the one and only thing that we can truly give to God. Anything else we choose to give to him is simply like re-gifting to the person who gave it to you the year before, except now its in slightly worse condition than it was when you received it. Worship is the only thing we can give to him that he hasn't given to us first. And even in this, he only wants our hearts, he doesn't care how it looks or how it sounds, he just wants us. He is a jealous lover, desperate for our affection. And we forget this, and we make worship about a mindless ritual, and we decorate it all fancy, and we say the right things, just to make it look like we mean it. But sometimes I don't, sometimes I care more about what happened in my day than my relentless lovesick pursuer. And far too often, I brush him off for something "more important". But he remains there fixed, waiting for me to look at him long enough so that he can remind me the way his heart beats for me. That's all at once, huge, powerful, mind-blowing, and overwhelming. Because he's God. He could and should have everything in the world in his possession. But he doesn't, instead he sits patiently and like a man desperately in love, he pines for my affection.

Life is bizarre. And I almost think that it feels bizarre because it's anything but. It's almost as if I'm expecting everything to be far more complicated than it actually is, and I've pretty much been in this exact state for the past year and a half. Every single day I wake up with this feeling that I'm finally going to grab hold of something earth shattering. Like one day I will hear, see, or be presented with something that finally allows me to drop all the mundanity of life and just radically live out what I'm passionate about. And it's in holding out for this spectacular revelation, that I've denied the beauty and passion that fills everyday life. I spend most of my time attempting to crack this elusive code, and in the process I walk blindly past exactly what I'm searching for.

And ya know, it gets hard. I don't want to live the typical all-american life. I don't want to spend 35% of my waking life at a job that I hate, just so I can buy a luxury car or a vacation home on lake havasu. I want to see broken people touch Jesus. The real Jesus, not the fake Jesus laced throughout western christianity. I want to create music that moves souls. I want to love the people that the world ignores. I want to fight against injustice. I want to write words that cause other people to stand up and fight. I want my hands and my feet to speak the loudest. I want children to feel safe when I hold them. I want to watch the church learn the true meaning of grace. I want to touch the ground of every country in this world. I want to do a lot of things. All of which are infinitely bigger than me or my capabilities, but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is my inability to see most of this after I walk out the door in the morning. It's all around, but I'm pre-occupied with the concerns of my culture. And let's face it, we live in the starbucks generation, it's hard to notice the woman with the worried expression when I've got 15 minutes to make it from work to my next conquest. And I don't think I really have a solid answer to this, I don't know that this post is any more than me trying to figure out my purpose in my present situation. Because life isn't going to be different when I wake up tomorrow, I will still have more tasks than I do time, but maybe I'm attempting to crack yet another code, and in reality the answer is quite simple: the world changes one life at a time.

Hah!

"Cetaphobia takes many shapes. Some sufferers report very dire fear of whale attack, while others are frightened only of the sounds they make. Some report a suspicion of malevolence or predatory intent, while others see whales as benign but unpredictable. Their sheer size intimidates some, as well as their inky domain in the deep sea. Some fear the gigantic Blue Whale, while others fear only the Orca.

As broad-sweeping as these manifestations may be, all fear of whales may be classified as cetaphobia."

I understand this may not make me less weird...but I now at least know there are others who are just as crazy. woo!

Yesterday at work I had to write up a report for child abuse because one of my kids told me that his moms boyfriend shoved his sisters head into a wall. I saw her today and asked her how she got the bump and bruising on her forehead, after a long pause she fumbled around and said "um um...umm I tripped over a big rock at my house. Yeah, we have lots of big rocks everywhere."

I was watching the 3 year old classroom today while the teacher was gone and i was flipping through the "I love my dad because..." pictures the kids made for father's day, Michael had a picture of him and his dad and at the top the teacher wrote what he said when she asked him that question. It said, "I love my dad because...I want him to come stay at my house."

Yesterday I had to explain to a 5 year old that just because someone looks at you when you walk by them doesn't mean its ok to tell them that you're going to cut their head off.

I could go on...honestly. This is all stuff that's happened in a span of two days. And it's not even all of it. I feel like I'm watching a train wreck when I look at these kids. Most of them don't have both parents, several of their mothers have lost custody of them because of neglect, drug abuse, etc. One of them actually lost custody because she repeatedly left her 2 year old daughter in the car while she went and robbed houses. Remarkable. Saying that this crap breaks my heart is an understatement. It's borderline torture to watch them grow into the life of neglect that has been mapped out for them. These kids deserve good parents, they deserve to be read bedtime stories, they deserve to have some freakin stability in their lives. And it's hard because I can't go in there and take them away from it all. All I can do is hold them when I see them, and joke around with them, and tell them how smart they are. And I know that that matters, I just can't help but wonder, isn't this the type of battle we should be fighting?

Christians fight for unborn children all the time, but what about the ones who are alive, the ones who are suffering and feeling every blow that they get dealt? Is it because God really cares more about unborn babies? No. It's because thats easier. It's easier to care about abortion because it takes the responsibility off of us. All we have to do is tell someone how to live their life and then they either a) do, and you've "claimed another victory for Christ" or b) they don't, and you place eternal shame on them. It's a win-win, we feel like we're making a difference without getting our hands dirty. Because real children are hard to fight for, you actually have to step into their lives and love them where they're at, and that's complicated and sacrificial. But that's what Christ called us to, he called us to love with our hands and our feet. He asked us to fight for justice of the oppressed, the ones who don't have a voice. Because if we don't fight for them, no one will. This isn't to say that this is the only need in the world. It extends far beyond this. But I guess if I was to ask one thing, I can't help but wonder, what are we actually fighting for?