I am tired.
That's about the only discernible feeling I have right now. I would like to talk about how I feel, but it's not even possible right now. Why even blog this then, I know. I guess it still helps. And it's a shame, because there are good things I could talk about, and I don't want to take that for granted, I'm just tired. And I'm not even close to as tired as my brother and sister-in-law, and that makes me even more tired.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Caleb
Hey everyone, first off I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers for Caleb, Jeremy, and Christina. They've all gone through a lot these past few days and it has given them so much strength, knowing that so many people are praying.
For those who maybe don't know what's going, I'll give a brief recap. My nephew, Caleb Michael Hogue, was born Monday morning at 10:29, he was completely healthy. He weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Sometime early Tuesday morning he stopped breathing properly, as a result he wasn't getting enough oxygen, and he still wasn't eating. They put him in incubator, and soon after his breathing returned to normal. However, a little while after that he had a seizure, and then another one. The hospital he was at in Victorville didn't have a neurology department, so he was transported to Loma Linda Children's Hospital. My brother came with him, but my sister in law was unable to because she had just a C-section and couldn't be released yet. He was taken to the neonatal ICU and has been there ever since. Now for the updates...
The situation has been hard and exhausting for them, especially being separated during it, but we have been blessed SO much in the past few days, all the small details have added up. First off, we're getting housing at the Ronald McDonald House which is so incredibly amazing. It's only $10 a night, and everything is free. They have a kitchen full of food, and the whole thing is designed to look like a normal house. Seems like a small and trivial detail, but in times when everything is chaotic and foreign, it does wonders for the soul to have something comfortable.
And speaking of amazing, the hospital is incredible as well. The baby is receiving the best treatment possible, and Jeremy gets to stay with him whenever he wants (except for a couple hours here and there while they switch things out). The baby has been doing great, we haven't had any further complications, and right now we're just waiting on test results. We did get the results for his spinal tap, and it turned out perfectly. We know he doesn't have any serious infections, so that rules out meningitis, etc. Which is great.
Also, Christina was released from the hospital in Victorville this morning, she's resting right now, and will be down here to stay with me and Jeremy today. This is a huge, huge blessing. The situation has been hard enough on her, but being that far away from both her baby and husband during it all was just...it was hard, on both of them. That's about all we know right now, I'll continue to update as we know things and I'm able to get to a computer. Again, thank you so so so much for your support, love, and prayers. It means everything. And just know that God is absolutely working throughout it all. We all have an overwhelming peace, and we can see and feel everything that He's doing. His hand is undeniable, from the small details to the big. Thank you for being a part of that.
Debi
For those who maybe don't know what's going, I'll give a brief recap. My nephew, Caleb Michael Hogue, was born Monday morning at 10:29, he was completely healthy. He weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Sometime early Tuesday morning he stopped breathing properly, as a result he wasn't getting enough oxygen, and he still wasn't eating. They put him in incubator, and soon after his breathing returned to normal. However, a little while after that he had a seizure, and then another one. The hospital he was at in Victorville didn't have a neurology department, so he was transported to Loma Linda Children's Hospital. My brother came with him, but my sister in law was unable to because she had just a C-section and couldn't be released yet. He was taken to the neonatal ICU and has been there ever since. Now for the updates...
The situation has been hard and exhausting for them, especially being separated during it, but we have been blessed SO much in the past few days, all the small details have added up. First off, we're getting housing at the Ronald McDonald House which is so incredibly amazing. It's only $10 a night, and everything is free. They have a kitchen full of food, and the whole thing is designed to look like a normal house. Seems like a small and trivial detail, but in times when everything is chaotic and foreign, it does wonders for the soul to have something comfortable.
And speaking of amazing, the hospital is incredible as well. The baby is receiving the best treatment possible, and Jeremy gets to stay with him whenever he wants (except for a couple hours here and there while they switch things out). The baby has been doing great, we haven't had any further complications, and right now we're just waiting on test results. We did get the results for his spinal tap, and it turned out perfectly. We know he doesn't have any serious infections, so that rules out meningitis, etc. Which is great.
Also, Christina was released from the hospital in Victorville this morning, she's resting right now, and will be down here to stay with me and Jeremy today. This is a huge, huge blessing. The situation has been hard enough on her, but being that far away from both her baby and husband during it all was just...it was hard, on both of them. That's about all we know right now, I'll continue to update as we know things and I'm able to get to a computer. Again, thank you so so so much for your support, love, and prayers. It means everything. And just know that God is absolutely working throughout it all. We all have an overwhelming peace, and we can see and feel everything that He's doing. His hand is undeniable, from the small details to the big. Thank you for being a part of that.
Debi
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Fear
This morning I was reading Psalm 34 and found myself amused by the fact that, in almost the same breath, David appears to contradict himself. In verse 4 he says, "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears." Then five verses later he writes, "Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need." Riiight...
We're told that God freed David of all his fears, and then we're instructed to fear God. God will deliver you of your fears, when you fear him. At first glance, it appears to be a hefty contradiction. But, after sitting with this thought, I came to realize that it is anything but, and...it is probably the biggest lesson I could learn right now.
Fear is the act of granting something dominance, it's what we give the most power to. We fear our parents because they hold our livelihood. We fear our teachers because it's within their power to fail or pass us. We fear sickness because it has the ability to overwhelm and destroy us. When we fear something, we're admitting that it has more power over our lives than we do. And for the most part, this is terrifying. When we give up control, we face the possibility of suffering at the hand of whatever holds power over us. But fear isn't believing that something will harm us, it's acknowledging that it has the power to do so. The divide then, between heathly and unhealthy fear, lies in our trust of that power.
Fear is a statement of fact, "You have power over me." But unhealthy fear distorts that fact into a statement of mistrust, "You have power over me, and you might use it to hurt me." Fearing without trusting has become a defense mechanism for the wounded and terrified soul. And for good reason. We are repeatedly abused and victimized by different powers and authorities in our life. It's only natural to find yourself in a place of fearing just about everything, and trusting none of it.
And when you trust nothing, healthy fear IS a contradiction. Not to mention the idea of banishing fear, with fear itself. Because when you can't trust anything, everything then that has power must be seen as a threat. But, following the same logic, when you do trust something with your life, unhealthy fear also becomes a contradiction. Because when you actually trust in the power of something to protect you, then it is impossible to view any other force as a threat.
When you fear God, you are asserting his dominance and power above all things. And when you accompany this reverence with trust, you are not only saying that God is more powerful than anything that you will face or come against, but that he will also use that power for your good. If we claim this as truth, than the fear of God is the absence of all other fear. If our fear is divided, then so is our trust, and that is the real contradiction.
We're told that God freed David of all his fears, and then we're instructed to fear God. God will deliver you of your fears, when you fear him. At first glance, it appears to be a hefty contradiction. But, after sitting with this thought, I came to realize that it is anything but, and...it is probably the biggest lesson I could learn right now.
Fear is the act of granting something dominance, it's what we give the most power to. We fear our parents because they hold our livelihood. We fear our teachers because it's within their power to fail or pass us. We fear sickness because it has the ability to overwhelm and destroy us. When we fear something, we're admitting that it has more power over our lives than we do. And for the most part, this is terrifying. When we give up control, we face the possibility of suffering at the hand of whatever holds power over us. But fear isn't believing that something will harm us, it's acknowledging that it has the power to do so. The divide then, between heathly and unhealthy fear, lies in our trust of that power.
Fear is a statement of fact, "You have power over me." But unhealthy fear distorts that fact into a statement of mistrust, "You have power over me, and you might use it to hurt me." Fearing without trusting has become a defense mechanism for the wounded and terrified soul. And for good reason. We are repeatedly abused and victimized by different powers and authorities in our life. It's only natural to find yourself in a place of fearing just about everything, and trusting none of it.
And when you trust nothing, healthy fear IS a contradiction. Not to mention the idea of banishing fear, with fear itself. Because when you can't trust anything, everything then that has power must be seen as a threat. But, following the same logic, when you do trust something with your life, unhealthy fear also becomes a contradiction. Because when you actually trust in the power of something to protect you, then it is impossible to view any other force as a threat.
When you fear God, you are asserting his dominance and power above all things. And when you accompany this reverence with trust, you are not only saying that God is more powerful than anything that you will face or come against, but that he will also use that power for your good. If we claim this as truth, than the fear of God is the absence of all other fear. If our fear is divided, then so is our trust, and that is the real contradiction.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
20 Things I Won't Apologize For
Over the years I've watched people fight to be something they're not in an effort to comply with some spoken or unspoken societal pressure. I used to struggle with this a lot, not necessarily conformity, but feeling like I was in some way broken because I didn't fit into a nice little box, be it Christian, Female, American...whatever. Though there are certain things that, as people, we can/should change about ourselves, this is a post about the things that we should never have to change or apologize for. It's taken me years to decipher between the two, and it is still a constant process. So here it is, a rebellion and celebration, 20 commonly misunderstood things about me that need no apology.
*20 Things I Won't Apologize For:*
1. Loving Jesus
2. Having strong opinions
3. Not being emotional
4. Eating copious amounts of salt
5. Thinking the majority of Christian music is terrible
6. Choosing to do what I love in life over money and security
7. Being introverted
8. Not liking chick flicks
9. Loving gay people
10. Not being organized
11. Admitting that I want to have sex
12. Loving Harry Potter
13. Supporting seperation of church and state
14. Asking questions no one wants to answer
15. Having discernment
16. Believing that the church can be ugly
17. Believing that the church can be beautiful
18. Being scared of whales
19. Testing something out before I accept it
20. Liking myself.
*20 Things I Won't Apologize For:*
1. Loving Jesus
2. Having strong opinions
3. Not being emotional
4. Eating copious amounts of salt
5. Thinking the majority of Christian music is terrible
6. Choosing to do what I love in life over money and security
7. Being introverted
8. Not liking chick flicks
9. Loving gay people
10. Not being organized
11. Admitting that I want to have sex
12. Loving Harry Potter
13. Supporting seperation of church and state
14. Asking questions no one wants to answer
15. Having discernment
16. Believing that the church can be ugly
17. Believing that the church can be beautiful
18. Being scared of whales
19. Testing something out before I accept it
20. Liking myself.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Riddle Me This:
Why 77% of Christians oppose "Gay Marriage" in an effort to "protect" and keep marriage "sacred". Yet, 60% of Christian marriages end in divorce.
Why a majority of Christians fight against abortion in an effort to "defend and protect" helpless children, yet there is an estimated 15-44 MILLION orphaned* children in the world. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard a Christian talk about defending or protecting the life of a child that's already alive, I'd maybe have...I dunno...15 cents?
In each situation, I am in no way telling you to abandon the former. I'm merely wondering why, with such an overly emphatic claim to "protect" these two things, there seems to be a wide abandonment on the latter. Just a question.
*This of course, is not even counting the number of children sold into slavery each year.
Why a majority of Christians fight against abortion in an effort to "defend and protect" helpless children, yet there is an estimated 15-44 MILLION orphaned* children in the world. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard a Christian talk about defending or protecting the life of a child that's already alive, I'd maybe have...I dunno...15 cents?
In each situation, I am in no way telling you to abandon the former. I'm merely wondering why, with such an overly emphatic claim to "protect" these two things, there seems to be a wide abandonment on the latter. Just a question.
*This of course, is not even counting the number of children sold into slavery each year.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
A paragraph on consistency.
I think I'm funny. No seriously, I think I'm hilarious and there is nothing that anyone can say to change my mind about that. Because to me, any disagreement on the matter is not an actual reflection of my abilities, or lack thereof, it is merely a difference in humor. And when someone does think I'm funny, I'm just happy to share a similar sense of humor with another person. I mean, why on earth would I let something that is clearly a matter of perspective and opinion change the way I feel about myself? Right? Well it makes sense, but unfortunately I apply this logic too loosely to other areas of my life. When it comes to how I see myself in other areas, opinion and perspective have a tendency to dominate. I know God has called me to do music and lead worship, but no matter how much I know this, and would love to be grounded in this, one word can crush the confidence I have in my abilities. And it doesn't end there, I have a list of areas that are held together by fluctuating and useless opinion. I have a problem with consistency. And if I was to take a guess...I'd bet I'm not the only one.
Friday, August 14, 2009
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.
No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.
I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.
No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.
I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.
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