...

I am tired.

That's about the only discernible feeling I have right now. I would like to talk about how I feel, but it's not even possible right now. Why even blog this then, I know. I guess it still helps. And it's a shame, because there are good things I could talk about, and I don't want to take that for granted, I'm just tired. And I'm not even close to as tired as my brother and sister-in-law, and that makes me even more tired.

Caleb

Hey everyone, first off I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers for Caleb, Jeremy, and Christina. They've all gone through a lot these past few days and it has given them so much strength, knowing that so many people are praying.

For those who maybe don't know what's going, I'll give a brief recap. My nephew, Caleb Michael Hogue, was born Monday morning at 10:29, he was completely healthy. He weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Sometime early Tuesday morning he stopped breathing properly, as a result he wasn't getting enough oxygen, and he still wasn't eating. They put him in incubator, and soon after his breathing returned to normal. However, a little while after that he had a seizure, and then another one. The hospital he was at in Victorville didn't have a neurology department, so he was transported to Loma Linda Children's Hospital. My brother came with him, but my sister in law was unable to because she had just a C-section and couldn't be released yet. He was taken to the neonatal ICU and has been there ever since. Now for the updates...

The situation has been hard and exhausting for them, especially being separated during it, but we have been blessed SO much in the past few days, all the small details have added up. First off, we're getting housing at the Ronald McDonald House which is so incredibly amazing. It's only $10 a night, and everything is free. They have a kitchen full of food, and the whole thing is designed to look like a normal house. Seems like a small and trivial detail, but in times when everything is chaotic and foreign, it does wonders for the soul to have something comfortable.

And speaking of amazing, the hospital is incredible as well. The baby is receiving the best treatment possible, and Jeremy gets to stay with him whenever he wants (except for a couple hours here and there while they switch things out). The baby has been doing great, we haven't had any further complications, and right now we're just waiting on test results. We did get the results for his spinal tap, and it turned out perfectly. We know he doesn't have any serious infections, so that rules out meningitis, etc. Which is great.

Also, Christina was released from the hospital in Victorville this morning, she's resting right now, and will be down here to stay with me and Jeremy today. This is a huge, huge blessing. The situation has been hard enough on her, but being that far away from both her baby and husband during it all was just...it was hard, on both of them. That's about all we know right now, I'll continue to update as we know things and I'm able to get to a computer. Again, thank you so so so much for your support, love, and prayers. It means everything. And just know that God is absolutely working throughout it all. We all have an overwhelming peace, and we can see and feel everything that He's doing. His hand is undeniable, from the small details to the big. Thank you for being a part of that.


Debi

Fear

This morning I was reading Psalm 34 and found myself amused by the fact that, in almost the same breath, David appears to contradict himself. In verse 4 he says, "I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears." Then five verses later he writes, "Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need." Riiight...

We're told that God freed David of all his fears, and then we're instructed to fear God. God will deliver you of your fears, when you fear him. At first glance, it appears to be a hefty contradiction. But, after sitting with this thought, I came to realize that it is anything but, and...it is probably the biggest lesson I could learn right now.

Fear is the act of granting something dominance, it's what we give the most power to. We fear our parents because they hold our livelihood. We fear our teachers because it's within their power to fail or pass us. We fear sickness because it has the ability to overwhelm and destroy us. When we fear something, we're admitting that it has more power over our lives than we do. And for the most part, this is terrifying. When we give up control, we face the possibility of suffering at the hand of whatever holds power over us. But fear isn't believing that something will harm us, it's acknowledging that it has the power to do so. The divide then, between heathly and unhealthy fear, lies in our trust of that power.

Fear is a statement of fact, "You have power over me." But unhealthy fear distorts that fact into a statement of mistrust, "You have power over me, and you might use it to hurt me." Fearing without trusting has become a defense mechanism for the wounded and terrified soul. And for good reason. We are repeatedly abused and victimized by different powers and authorities in our life. It's only natural to find yourself in a place of fearing just about everything, and trusting none of it.

And when you trust nothing, healthy fear IS a contradiction. Not to mention the idea of banishing fear, with fear itself. Because when you can't trust anything, everything then that has power must be seen as a threat. But, following the same logic, when you do trust something with your life, unhealthy fear also becomes a contradiction. Because when you actually trust in the power of something to protect you, then it is impossible to view any other force as a threat.

When you fear God, you are asserting his dominance and power above all things. And when you accompany this reverence with trust, you are not only saying that God is more powerful than anything that you will face or come against, but that he will also use that power for your good. If we claim this as truth, than the fear of God is the absence of all other fear. If our fear is divided, then so is our trust, and that is the real contradiction.

20 Things I Won't Apologize For

Over the years I've watched people fight to be something they're not in an effort to comply with some spoken or unspoken societal pressure. I used to struggle with this a lot, not necessarily conformity, but feeling like I was in some way broken because I didn't fit into a nice little box, be it Christian, Female, American...whatever. Though there are certain things that, as people, we can/should change about ourselves, this is a post about the things that we should never have to change or apologize for. It's taken me years to decipher between the two, and it is still a constant process. So here it is, a rebellion and celebration, 20 commonly misunderstood things about me that need no apology.

*20 Things I Won't Apologize For:*

1. Loving Jesus
2. Having strong opinions
3. Not being emotional
4. Eating copious amounts of salt
5. Thinking the majority of Christian music is terrible
6. Choosing to do what I love in life over money and security
7. Being introverted
8. Not liking chick flicks
9. Loving gay people
10. Not being organized
11. Admitting that I want to have sex
12. Loving Harry Potter
13. Supporting seperation of church and state
14. Asking questions no one wants to answer
15. Having discernment
16. Believing that the church can be ugly
17. Believing that the church can be beautiful
18. Being scared of whales
19. Testing something out before I accept it
20. Liking myself.

Riddle Me This:

Why 77% of Christians oppose "Gay Marriage" in an effort to "protect" and keep marriage "sacred". Yet, 60% of Christian marriages end in divorce.

Why a majority of Christians fight against abortion in an effort to "defend and protect" helpless children, yet there is an estimated 15-44 MILLION orphaned* children in the world. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard a Christian talk about defending or protecting the life of a child that's already alive, I'd maybe have...I dunno...15 cents?


In each situation, I am in no way telling you to abandon the former. I'm merely wondering why, with such an overly emphatic claim to "protect" these two things, there seems to be a wide abandonment on the latter. Just a question.


*This of course, is not even counting the number of children sold into slavery each year.

A paragraph on consistency.

I think I'm funny. No seriously, I think I'm hilarious and there is nothing that anyone can say to change my mind about that. Because to me, any disagreement on the matter is not an actual reflection of my abilities, or lack thereof, it is merely a difference in humor. And when someone does think I'm funny, I'm just happy to share a similar sense of humor with another person. I mean, why on earth would I let something that is clearly a matter of perspective and opinion change the way I feel about myself? Right? Well it makes sense, but unfortunately I apply this logic too loosely to other areas of my life. When it comes to how I see myself in other areas, opinion and perspective have a tendency to dominate. I know God has called me to do music and lead worship, but no matter how much I know this, and would love to be grounded in this, one word can crush the confidence I have in my abilities. And it doesn't end there, I have a list of areas that are held together by fluctuating and useless opinion. I have a problem with consistency. And if I was to take a guess...I'd bet I'm not the only one.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.

No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.

I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.

Emotion

I need to vent my frustration for a particular topic that I continually struggle with. Emotion. I know emotion is good, I know it is necessary, and I know without it the world would be void of love, compassion, or life. Feelings are like nerve-endings for the soul, they clue you in on what is going on inside of you and, when properly addressed, they give you the means to live a happy, productive, and aware life. I get all that. But I also get that they often distort reality, causing a seemingly loyal person to switch their loyalties at any given moment depending on "the mood". And obviously, as with anything, it's about balance. It's about allowing yourself to be in tune with what is going on inside of you so that you may act or move accordingly, yet at the same time, developing a logical reasoning for processing your emotion so that you don't become irrationally impulsive. But few actually do this, and I find myself continually hesistant to delve deeper into the chaotic and unpredictable world of "emotion". If we're being honest here, I don't want to be an unraveled mess. I don't want to switch my loyalties depending on every small change in my life. And I don't want to fall in love, because that makes people go straight up freakin crazy. Hah.

But I know after it's all said and done, this is really me fighting against the fear that if I do allow myself to open up and just "feel", then in my vulnerability I will lose all control. In the moment, I won't have a mapped out system for how im going to logically progress from this point. I won't be one step ahead of every person trying to love me. And I won't be able to reject someone before they reject me. And that, because we're being honest here, scares. the. hell. out. of. me. But I guess that's life, loving and living without condition or clause. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't know that I'm much closer than I was before, but at least I'm walking towards it, and that's really all we can ever do.

Thanks for listening.

A paragraph on doing what you're supposed to be doing

Have you ever had someone tell you that all of the hard work and time you poured into something was essentially pointless? I have. A few years ago I was the "Toddler Coordinator" at South Hills, which meant I ran all volunteers, sunday school, childcare, etc. for ages 2-4. After a particularly long day I remember sitting there exhausted and frustrated when someone came up to me and said, "Where there is no joy there is no fruit." Everything inside of me wanted to punch this person in the face, because from where I was sitting, they had the nerve to "ignore" all my hardwork, discredit everything I had done, and basically tell me that I wasn't even making a difference. No, what they were telling me is that I was busying myself in a world that I wasn't designed to be in. And I was ignoring what I knew I was called to do, but I was too afraid to step into: worship. There's alot of things we "could" be doing, but there are few things that we were single handedly set apart and crafted from the hand of God to BE DOING. What is yours? And are you doing it?

A paragraph on loneliness.

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, dating, and the loneliness in between. They were saying how hard and confusing it can be and how sometimes they just wish it would be over and they'd have someone who would love them, that they could love in return. It is hard, and confusing, and awkward, and painful, but maybe it's a small price to pay? Or at the very least it's worth it. Loneliness is never easy, or enjoyable, but maybe we need to readjust our focus ...Is it better to struggle with loneliness for a few years up front while we figure out who we are and inevitably who is right for us, or is it better to find someone, anyone, to marry and quench that loneliness right away and risk being lonely for the rest of our lives?

Grace

Grace manages to go entirely against my humanity, everything that my body and mind have known and fought for. Yet, at the same time it manages to answer every longing that my soul has ever had that I never knew was there. To be honest, it has produced an all out war within me. Because when I come in contact with grace I am all at once: broken by my own humanity, fighting to preserve my selfish desires, heartbroken by the pain of God's neglected children, restored by God's power to cover my failures, compelled to dispense grace to the unloved around the world, and at a loss with size of the need and the inadequacy of my abilities. Talk about an emotional conflict.

We hear about grace all the time, what is it that has ruined me now, over 20 years later? I suppose it's the true and neglected identity of grace that I have always ignored. And where, exactly would someone find such grace? Well, the interesting thing is that its in odd places, the unfortunate thing is that it's missing from most churches. A good indication of why it took me 20 years to encounter it. Another good indication of why I have no idea what to do with it. Christians, the supposed "purveyors of grace." The United States, the supposed "Christian Nation" of the world. If we were true to our name, would not the nation be set on fire by brokeness and restoration? Instead I watch as the christians of this nation deal out broken-grace and seperation. Have we "kept our families safe" or have we missed the mark when the homeless, the orphaned, and the addicted feel estranged from "the body". Have we sought after "our best life now" or have we forgotten to be the hands and feet to the sick and dying when we seek after vacation homes, pay increases, and new cars. Perhaps we are blind to grace because as the years go on people are no longer people. They are "a"'s or "the"'s. It's hard to give grace to inanimate objects, I don't feel compassion for my lamp the same as you don't feel compassion for your table. If the objects moved would this incite sentiment on our part? Not likely...it's not the lack of movement that defines an object, the object earns its title as an object simply because it will never be like me. "a" bum, or "a" whore, is as close to being me as my lamp is. In the opposite spectrum, this is why 9/11 was so powerful. You had an entire nation of differences, but within 10 minutes every single person in this nation had one thing in common: we were all under attack and our freedom was at stake. I could be them and they could be me because we were all going through the same thing, it was us against them. And as a result; an outpour of unity and brotherhood. Once again in the opposite spectrum, the terrorists were terrorists and we were Americans, we could never be them and they could never be us. And as a result; hatred for the entire nation of Iraq. If Suddam Hussein had been born in America and his name was John...well that would be a different story.

This reality has been made even more personal for me with the birth of my niece Alyssa. Currently, she's a little over a year and a half and she is the most fantastic person I know. She's beautiful, hilarious, loving, and seemingly untouched by the worlds imperfections. Then one day I realized she would grow up and someone somewhere would hate her, some guy might use her, some kid might offer her drugs, some girl may tell her that to get attention she needs to wear revealing clothes, who knows. One thing is for certain though...the world will corrupt her, and sin will entangle her, and as a result she will make decisions that ruin her innocence and turn others against her. Will that change the way I love her? Not a chance, because I watched her grow, I know she's just like me. I know that she's human and that like me, there are certain things she struggles with because of what she's gone through in life. And if she ended up on the streets, would she become just "a bum" or "a whore". No her name would still be Alyssa and I would fight like hell to save her. Because I would know that no matter what mess she's made of her life, she'll need rescuing just like I did. She'll need grace to break her and give her a second chance. She'll need redemption.

And of the billions of people around the world who have made a mess of their lives, will I happen to know the only one who deserves redemption? Will I happen to know the only one who started out as pure and beautiful?

No.

Because whether their name is Alyssa, or Saddam, or they've forgotten their own name because they've been labeled as something else for too long...they all started out as someone's daughter or son, as someones best friend, as a brother or sister or niece or nephew. But most importantly they have always been and always will be God's child. They're all loved by God and they all have a deep seeded desire to know his love now. Should we, as purveyors of grace, go to such great lengths to avoid and cringe at God's beautiful disasters? Or should we, as the beautifully restored disasters that we are, run full force at picking them up, dusting them off, and returning them to their maker?

They will never be, "a" bum, "a" whore, "a" homosexual, "a" drug addict, or "a" baby killer in God's eyes. Because they are His children and he can't see past that. Do you remember how it felt the first time when you found out God loved you? Can you recall the depth of your gratitude everytime He lovingly reminds you of that? Is there an instance where someone else portrayed Christ to you by loving you, forgiving you, or meeting a need you had?

Do those that we have labeled deserve the same?

Me

Blogs are about being real and allowing people into your life and heart, right? That being said, here is where I'm at.

I've always been quick to ignore passing "emotional" moments because i've seen them as manipulations of reality, but I'm slowly learning to embrace them as brief windows into the deepest parts of who I really am.

Where are you at?

The nature of obedience, and the obedience of nature.

Two days ago I found myself with a little bit of extra time, so I decided to find the highest hill in Corona and just...sit. The view was overwhelming and except for the sound of the wind, it was almost entirely silent. When I do stuff like this I usually feel a mixture of things within minutes. The first obviously being peace, but the thing that never really made sense to me is that for some reason, I suddenly feel like life makes sense when I get away. Nature has this overwhelming power to wipe away confusion, and put your soul at rest. Which begs the question, "What am I fighting against, and why is the answer found here?".

Some would argue that it is the beauty of nature that eases the soul, but I'd have to disagree. There is obvious beauty found in nature, but if we are to compare nature by any standard of beauty, whether it be intricacy, diversity, or individuality then the beauty of humanity should far outweigh the beauty of nature. Likewise if we argue that nature has more vibrancy, color, and brilliance than found in humanity (which is debatable), than we should be met with the same clarity and rest in our souls when we walk into the sistene chapel. Is it moving? Yes. Is it breathtaking? For sure. Did I walk away making better sense of my life? No. Not saying that the sistene chapel, or anything else for that matter cannot bring clarity to someones life; understanding is found everywhere. But what I am saying is that nature holds an extraordinary power over our lives, because it hints at something that we lack. And within minutes it has the ability to take the most confused and distracted mind, and bring it to understanding. Why? What does nature possess, that sets it apart from everything else? What is it that calls to me, beckoning me to grab a hold? Obedience. The very essence of nature is obedience to its design. Trees grow, birds soar, the sun shines, and the clouds shade. And with it comes a calm that only nature can give. Nature is at peace with itself.

The problem with obedience, like most life-giving things in this world, is that we have perverted it to hold a negative connotation. Obedience is seen as binding and imprisoning. When we hear the word, we see images of obligatory compliance at the demand of an evil dictator. This evil dictator takes many shapes: Parents, Teachers, Hitler, God...etc. But in all cases, obedience is seen as a dreaded response to a higher power that has no apparent regard or concern for our life or our will as a person. And this view is fair enough. After all, if history is any indication, some incredibly awful things have been demanded in the name of "obedience". But despite the picture that has been painted, obedience remains the opposite of its dreaded portrayal.

Obedience at its truest form, is the freedom to be who you were designed to be. It's the call to rebel against the supposed "freedoms" that the world offers us, which we later discover have only imprisoned us further. And this applies to all areas of our life. Obedience isn't just about avoiding certain "sins", though make no mistake, what we know as "sin" isn't just some random collection of made up "don'ts"; there is a reason they call it death. And until you've been on the other side, you can't possibly know the overwhelming joy and freedom that comes from walking away from it. But there's more to it, true obedience is being at peace with yourself and your design. When I sat on that hill I was drawn to the serenity and obedience of the nature all around me, not out of obligation but out of freedom to be exactly what it was designed to be. And down the hill I could see the structured chaos that I had been fighting against, the world that was telling me that in order to survive I had to deny my design. But if nature has taught me anything, its that obedience is freeing, it's calming; it brings peace, and it brings life. Obedience silences the voices that tell you that you don't measure up. Obedience rejects the idea that you must conform in order to be valuable. And obedience looks at a world of manufactured desperation and says, "You don't own me." Because you were created with passions, and talents, and a life that beats to a certain rhythm. So here's the question, if peace is found in obedience...

What are you fighting against?

The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul

There's so much I want to say but I am suuuuper tired, so I will limit it. There's this song that I'm in love with and every once in awhile when I hear it I cry because the words communicate a depth that almost doesn't feel possible, and ironically enough it's about words not being able to communicate this certain depth...hah. But anyways, I figured I'd share it.

"Words could never say the way he says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way he looks at me
He sees me holy
Words could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

You would not believe the way he touches me
He burns right through me
I could not forget any word he said
He always knew me
The earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me

I can't hold my love back from you
I have to sing, I have to sing
Sing my love"

I'm completely in love with it. It's like hearing someone describe what you've always wanted, but have never able to describe. Anyways, I am continually rocked by these words. So I figured, why not share them. Peace!

"Progress"

Ya know what's crazy? That I feel like my biggest step forward in a long time is to take a step backward. I feel like my idea of progress has been shattered, and the more I try to over complicate it, the more simplified it becomes. God's been revealing the beauty of his kingdom and it looks nothing like the picture I had painted in my head. Not that it can't or won't, but I'm realizing I need to appreciate the intricate details of it if I'm ever going to understand the fullness of it. I've always been a "bigger picture" kind of person. When I think of slavery, I don't want to just help one person, I want to eradicate it. And when I think of the church, I don't want a handful of people who really understand the power of Jesus' message, I want our entire nation to be an unstoppable force of grace and love. And I believe I've been given that passion and vision because large-scale change is possible, but not before we learn to appreciate the small details of the kingdom.
Most of you know I don't have a job right now, and unfortunately I sometimes use such an insignificant detail to determine my success. So lame. But honestly, its given me the freedom to define myself by the kingdoms standards and not America's. And its helped me fall in love all over again with the simplicity of life and what we're really designed to do. So I figured I'd share some of the things that God has been helping me fall in love with all over again, with no pressure of societal "success" tied to it...

Jesus- I love him more with every single breath I take. I love him so much it hurts. I still can't grasp how life could instantly have so much depth and meaning and fullness once he's apart of it. And I still can't get over how thankful I am that I can't mess that up...ever.

Music- I love music and I honestly believe it is tied closely to the heart of God, because it has the ability to speak depths that you couldn't verbally communicate if you tried. I'm finding music says more about life than we'll ever be able to.

People- There's so much beauty in the ordinary things that people say and do and we miss it, all the time. People are the most beautiful creations of God and we pass them off as average. Humanity is God's masterpiece...sometimes I wonder how I could miss that.

Children- Whether they're 1 or 21 or anywhere in between, I'm realizing more and more how much they need someone...anyone to value their life and care about their brokeness.

Nature- The world we live in is stunning. I think we forget because it's easy to ignore something you've always had, but its beautiful. And the more I pay attention the more I realize God's insane love and attention to detail.

God's seriously re-defining progress in my life, who knew that sometimes what you need is to take a giant step back?

I just found out after having a consultation with my new jaw surgeon that all these surgeries and all this orthodontic work that I've had has nothing to do with my TMJ and it won't correct or fix it at all. That's just crazy to me...I didn't want to go through any of this but I did because I was told that it was the only hope I had of correcting my problem. Now sitting here more than half-way through and finding out that the two things have nothing to do with eachother is kind of crazy. I don't know. I mean obviously I've come this far so I have to complete it, and the process has other benefits outside of what I originally started doing it for. But still, what a bummer.