20 Things I Won't Apologize For

Over the years I've watched people fight to be something they're not in an effort to comply with some spoken or unspoken societal pressure. I used to struggle with this a lot, not necessarily conformity, but feeling like I was in some way broken because I didn't fit into a nice little box, be it Christian, Female, American...whatever. Though there are certain things that, as people, we can/should change about ourselves, this is a post about the things that we should never have to change or apologize for. It's taken me years to decipher between the two, and it is still a constant process. So here it is, a rebellion and celebration, 20 commonly misunderstood things about me that need no apology.

*20 Things I Won't Apologize For:*

1. Loving Jesus
2. Having strong opinions
3. Not being emotional
4. Eating copious amounts of salt
5. Thinking the majority of Christian music is terrible
6. Choosing to do what I love in life over money and security
7. Being introverted
8. Not liking chick flicks
9. Loving gay people
10. Not being organized
11. Admitting that I want to have sex
12. Loving Harry Potter
13. Supporting seperation of church and state
14. Asking questions no one wants to answer
15. Having discernment
16. Believing that the church can be ugly
17. Believing that the church can be beautiful
18. Being scared of whales
19. Testing something out before I accept it
20. Liking myself.

Riddle Me This:

Why 77% of Christians oppose "Gay Marriage" in an effort to "protect" and keep marriage "sacred". Yet, 60% of Christian marriages end in divorce.

Why a majority of Christians fight against abortion in an effort to "defend and protect" helpless children, yet there is an estimated 15-44 MILLION orphaned* children in the world. If I had a nickel for everytime I heard a Christian talk about defending or protecting the life of a child that's already alive, I'd maybe have...I dunno...15 cents?


In each situation, I am in no way telling you to abandon the former. I'm merely wondering why, with such an overly emphatic claim to "protect" these two things, there seems to be a wide abandonment on the latter. Just a question.


*This of course, is not even counting the number of children sold into slavery each year.

A paragraph on consistency.

I think I'm funny. No seriously, I think I'm hilarious and there is nothing that anyone can say to change my mind about that. Because to me, any disagreement on the matter is not an actual reflection of my abilities, or lack thereof, it is merely a difference in humor. And when someone does think I'm funny, I'm just happy to share a similar sense of humor with another person. I mean, why on earth would I let something that is clearly a matter of perspective and opinion change the way I feel about myself? Right? Well it makes sense, but unfortunately I apply this logic too loosely to other areas of my life. When it comes to how I see myself in other areas, opinion and perspective have a tendency to dominate. I know God has called me to do music and lead worship, but no matter how much I know this, and would love to be grounded in this, one word can crush the confidence I have in my abilities. And it doesn't end there, I have a list of areas that are held together by fluctuating and useless opinion. I have a problem with consistency. And if I was to take a guess...I'd bet I'm not the only one.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.

No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.

I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.

Emotion

I need to vent my frustration for a particular topic that I continually struggle with. Emotion. I know emotion is good, I know it is necessary, and I know without it the world would be void of love, compassion, or life. Feelings are like nerve-endings for the soul, they clue you in on what is going on inside of you and, when properly addressed, they give you the means to live a happy, productive, and aware life. I get all that. But I also get that they often distort reality, causing a seemingly loyal person to switch their loyalties at any given moment depending on "the mood". And obviously, as with anything, it's about balance. It's about allowing yourself to be in tune with what is going on inside of you so that you may act or move accordingly, yet at the same time, developing a logical reasoning for processing your emotion so that you don't become irrationally impulsive. But few actually do this, and I find myself continually hesistant to delve deeper into the chaotic and unpredictable world of "emotion". If we're being honest here, I don't want to be an unraveled mess. I don't want to switch my loyalties depending on every small change in my life. And I don't want to fall in love, because that makes people go straight up freakin crazy. Hah.

But I know after it's all said and done, this is really me fighting against the fear that if I do allow myself to open up and just "feel", then in my vulnerability I will lose all control. In the moment, I won't have a mapped out system for how im going to logically progress from this point. I won't be one step ahead of every person trying to love me. And I won't be able to reject someone before they reject me. And that, because we're being honest here, scares. the. hell. out. of. me. But I guess that's life, loving and living without condition or clause. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't know that I'm much closer than I was before, but at least I'm walking towards it, and that's really all we can ever do.

Thanks for listening.

A paragraph on doing what you're supposed to be doing

Have you ever had someone tell you that all of the hard work and time you poured into something was essentially pointless? I have. A few years ago I was the "Toddler Coordinator" at South Hills, which meant I ran all volunteers, sunday school, childcare, etc. for ages 2-4. After a particularly long day I remember sitting there exhausted and frustrated when someone came up to me and said, "Where there is no joy there is no fruit." Everything inside of me wanted to punch this person in the face, because from where I was sitting, they had the nerve to "ignore" all my hardwork, discredit everything I had done, and basically tell me that I wasn't even making a difference. No, what they were telling me is that I was busying myself in a world that I wasn't designed to be in. And I was ignoring what I knew I was called to do, but I was too afraid to step into: worship. There's alot of things we "could" be doing, but there are few things that we were single handedly set apart and crafted from the hand of God to BE DOING. What is yours? And are you doing it?

A paragraph on loneliness.

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, dating, and the loneliness in between. They were saying how hard and confusing it can be and how sometimes they just wish it would be over and they'd have someone who would love them, that they could love in return. It is hard, and confusing, and awkward, and painful, but maybe it's a small price to pay? Or at the very least it's worth it. Loneliness is never easy, or enjoyable, but maybe we need to readjust our focus ...Is it better to struggle with loneliness for a few years up front while we figure out who we are and inevitably who is right for us, or is it better to find someone, anyone, to marry and quench that loneliness right away and risk being lonely for the rest of our lives?