I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.

No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.

I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.

Emotion

I need to vent my frustration for a particular topic that I continually struggle with. Emotion. I know emotion is good, I know it is necessary, and I know without it the world would be void of love, compassion, or life. Feelings are like nerve-endings for the soul, they clue you in on what is going on inside of you and, when properly addressed, they give you the means to live a happy, productive, and aware life. I get all that. But I also get that they often distort reality, causing a seemingly loyal person to switch their loyalties at any given moment depending on "the mood". And obviously, as with anything, it's about balance. It's about allowing yourself to be in tune with what is going on inside of you so that you may act or move accordingly, yet at the same time, developing a logical reasoning for processing your emotion so that you don't become irrationally impulsive. But few actually do this, and I find myself continually hesistant to delve deeper into the chaotic and unpredictable world of "emotion". If we're being honest here, I don't want to be an unraveled mess. I don't want to switch my loyalties depending on every small change in my life. And I don't want to fall in love, because that makes people go straight up freakin crazy. Hah.

But I know after it's all said and done, this is really me fighting against the fear that if I do allow myself to open up and just "feel", then in my vulnerability I will lose all control. In the moment, I won't have a mapped out system for how im going to logically progress from this point. I won't be one step ahead of every person trying to love me. And I won't be able to reject someone before they reject me. And that, because we're being honest here, scares. the. hell. out. of. me. But I guess that's life, loving and living without condition or clause. I don't have it all figured out, and I don't know that I'm much closer than I was before, but at least I'm walking towards it, and that's really all we can ever do.

Thanks for listening.

A paragraph on doing what you're supposed to be doing

Have you ever had someone tell you that all of the hard work and time you poured into something was essentially pointless? I have. A few years ago I was the "Toddler Coordinator" at South Hills, which meant I ran all volunteers, sunday school, childcare, etc. for ages 2-4. After a particularly long day I remember sitting there exhausted and frustrated when someone came up to me and said, "Where there is no joy there is no fruit." Everything inside of me wanted to punch this person in the face, because from where I was sitting, they had the nerve to "ignore" all my hardwork, discredit everything I had done, and basically tell me that I wasn't even making a difference. No, what they were telling me is that I was busying myself in a world that I wasn't designed to be in. And I was ignoring what I knew I was called to do, but I was too afraid to step into: worship. There's alot of things we "could" be doing, but there are few things that we were single handedly set apart and crafted from the hand of God to BE DOING. What is yours? And are you doing it?

A paragraph on loneliness.

I was talking to a friend recently about marriage, dating, and the loneliness in between. They were saying how hard and confusing it can be and how sometimes they just wish it would be over and they'd have someone who would love them, that they could love in return. It is hard, and confusing, and awkward, and painful, but maybe it's a small price to pay? Or at the very least it's worth it. Loneliness is never easy, or enjoyable, but maybe we need to readjust our focus ...Is it better to struggle with loneliness for a few years up front while we figure out who we are and inevitably who is right for us, or is it better to find someone, anyone, to marry and quench that loneliness right away and risk being lonely for the rest of our lives?

Grace

Grace manages to go entirely against my humanity, everything that my body and mind have known and fought for. Yet, at the same time it manages to answer every longing that my soul has ever had that I never knew was there. To be honest, it has produced an all out war within me. Because when I come in contact with grace I am all at once: broken by my own humanity, fighting to preserve my selfish desires, heartbroken by the pain of God's neglected children, restored by God's power to cover my failures, compelled to dispense grace to the unloved around the world, and at a loss with size of the need and the inadequacy of my abilities. Talk about an emotional conflict.

We hear about grace all the time, what is it that has ruined me now, over 20 years later? I suppose it's the true and neglected identity of grace that I have always ignored. And where, exactly would someone find such grace? Well, the interesting thing is that its in odd places, the unfortunate thing is that it's missing from most churches. A good indication of why it took me 20 years to encounter it. Another good indication of why I have no idea what to do with it. Christians, the supposed "purveyors of grace." The United States, the supposed "Christian Nation" of the world. If we were true to our name, would not the nation be set on fire by brokeness and restoration? Instead I watch as the christians of this nation deal out broken-grace and seperation. Have we "kept our families safe" or have we missed the mark when the homeless, the orphaned, and the addicted feel estranged from "the body". Have we sought after "our best life now" or have we forgotten to be the hands and feet to the sick and dying when we seek after vacation homes, pay increases, and new cars. Perhaps we are blind to grace because as the years go on people are no longer people. They are "a"'s or "the"'s. It's hard to give grace to inanimate objects, I don't feel compassion for my lamp the same as you don't feel compassion for your table. If the objects moved would this incite sentiment on our part? Not likely...it's not the lack of movement that defines an object, the object earns its title as an object simply because it will never be like me. "a" bum, or "a" whore, is as close to being me as my lamp is. In the opposite spectrum, this is why 9/11 was so powerful. You had an entire nation of differences, but within 10 minutes every single person in this nation had one thing in common: we were all under attack and our freedom was at stake. I could be them and they could be me because we were all going through the same thing, it was us against them. And as a result; an outpour of unity and brotherhood. Once again in the opposite spectrum, the terrorists were terrorists and we were Americans, we could never be them and they could never be us. And as a result; hatred for the entire nation of Iraq. If Suddam Hussein had been born in America and his name was John...well that would be a different story.

This reality has been made even more personal for me with the birth of my niece Alyssa. Currently, she's a little over a year and a half and she is the most fantastic person I know. She's beautiful, hilarious, loving, and seemingly untouched by the worlds imperfections. Then one day I realized she would grow up and someone somewhere would hate her, some guy might use her, some kid might offer her drugs, some girl may tell her that to get attention she needs to wear revealing clothes, who knows. One thing is for certain though...the world will corrupt her, and sin will entangle her, and as a result she will make decisions that ruin her innocence and turn others against her. Will that change the way I love her? Not a chance, because I watched her grow, I know she's just like me. I know that she's human and that like me, there are certain things she struggles with because of what she's gone through in life. And if she ended up on the streets, would she become just "a bum" or "a whore". No her name would still be Alyssa and I would fight like hell to save her. Because I would know that no matter what mess she's made of her life, she'll need rescuing just like I did. She'll need grace to break her and give her a second chance. She'll need redemption.

And of the billions of people around the world who have made a mess of their lives, will I happen to know the only one who deserves redemption? Will I happen to know the only one who started out as pure and beautiful?

No.

Because whether their name is Alyssa, or Saddam, or they've forgotten their own name because they've been labeled as something else for too long...they all started out as someone's daughter or son, as someones best friend, as a brother or sister or niece or nephew. But most importantly they have always been and always will be God's child. They're all loved by God and they all have a deep seeded desire to know his love now. Should we, as purveyors of grace, go to such great lengths to avoid and cringe at God's beautiful disasters? Or should we, as the beautifully restored disasters that we are, run full force at picking them up, dusting them off, and returning them to their maker?

They will never be, "a" bum, "a" whore, "a" homosexual, "a" drug addict, or "a" baby killer in God's eyes. Because they are His children and he can't see past that. Do you remember how it felt the first time when you found out God loved you? Can you recall the depth of your gratitude everytime He lovingly reminds you of that? Is there an instance where someone else portrayed Christ to you by loving you, forgiving you, or meeting a need you had?

Do those that we have labeled deserve the same?

Me

Blogs are about being real and allowing people into your life and heart, right? That being said, here is where I'm at.

I've always been quick to ignore passing "emotional" moments because i've seen them as manipulations of reality, but I'm slowly learning to embrace them as brief windows into the deepest parts of who I really am.

Where are you at?

The nature of obedience, and the obedience of nature.

Two days ago I found myself with a little bit of extra time, so I decided to find the highest hill in Corona and just...sit. The view was overwhelming and except for the sound of the wind, it was almost entirely silent. When I do stuff like this I usually feel a mixture of things within minutes. The first obviously being peace, but the thing that never really made sense to me is that for some reason, I suddenly feel like life makes sense when I get away. Nature has this overwhelming power to wipe away confusion, and put your soul at rest. Which begs the question, "What am I fighting against, and why is the answer found here?".

Some would argue that it is the beauty of nature that eases the soul, but I'd have to disagree. There is obvious beauty found in nature, but if we are to compare nature by any standard of beauty, whether it be intricacy, diversity, or individuality then the beauty of humanity should far outweigh the beauty of nature. Likewise if we argue that nature has more vibrancy, color, and brilliance than found in humanity (which is debatable), than we should be met with the same clarity and rest in our souls when we walk into the sistene chapel. Is it moving? Yes. Is it breathtaking? For sure. Did I walk away making better sense of my life? No. Not saying that the sistene chapel, or anything else for that matter cannot bring clarity to someones life; understanding is found everywhere. But what I am saying is that nature holds an extraordinary power over our lives, because it hints at something that we lack. And within minutes it has the ability to take the most confused and distracted mind, and bring it to understanding. Why? What does nature possess, that sets it apart from everything else? What is it that calls to me, beckoning me to grab a hold? Obedience. The very essence of nature is obedience to its design. Trees grow, birds soar, the sun shines, and the clouds shade. And with it comes a calm that only nature can give. Nature is at peace with itself.

The problem with obedience, like most life-giving things in this world, is that we have perverted it to hold a negative connotation. Obedience is seen as binding and imprisoning. When we hear the word, we see images of obligatory compliance at the demand of an evil dictator. This evil dictator takes many shapes: Parents, Teachers, Hitler, God...etc. But in all cases, obedience is seen as a dreaded response to a higher power that has no apparent regard or concern for our life or our will as a person. And this view is fair enough. After all, if history is any indication, some incredibly awful things have been demanded in the name of "obedience". But despite the picture that has been painted, obedience remains the opposite of its dreaded portrayal.

Obedience at its truest form, is the freedom to be who you were designed to be. It's the call to rebel against the supposed "freedoms" that the world offers us, which we later discover have only imprisoned us further. And this applies to all areas of our life. Obedience isn't just about avoiding certain "sins", though make no mistake, what we know as "sin" isn't just some random collection of made up "don'ts"; there is a reason they call it death. And until you've been on the other side, you can't possibly know the overwhelming joy and freedom that comes from walking away from it. But there's more to it, true obedience is being at peace with yourself and your design. When I sat on that hill I was drawn to the serenity and obedience of the nature all around me, not out of obligation but out of freedom to be exactly what it was designed to be. And down the hill I could see the structured chaos that I had been fighting against, the world that was telling me that in order to survive I had to deny my design. But if nature has taught me anything, its that obedience is freeing, it's calming; it brings peace, and it brings life. Obedience silences the voices that tell you that you don't measure up. Obedience rejects the idea that you must conform in order to be valuable. And obedience looks at a world of manufactured desperation and says, "You don't own me." Because you were created with passions, and talents, and a life that beats to a certain rhythm. So here's the question, if peace is found in obedience...

What are you fighting against?