I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I've been listening to William Fitzsimmons way...way too much lately. Maybe it's everything I've gone through in the past few weeks, and I'm just now starting to process it. Maybe it's that I'm another year older and I find myself in a new place that is kind of confusing, and somewhat exciting. Whatever. I don't know what it is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel...different, because life feels different. Not different bad, or different good, just different. Like a shift has happened and now I'm trying desperately to fit back into the skin I just shed. And to be honest, I've felt seemingly alone throughout it all. Like I'm trying to flag someone down to walk with me through it, but I've changed the pace and direction of where we were going so they're now unable to keep up and would rather just turn around to retrace where they came from. Because that's safer and easier than getting lost. And I would do the same thing, because I haven't been fair to anyone lately.

No one knows everything, and even facts have just become shallow diversions of what I'm really feeling. And God, I am being really transparent right now so bare with me. There was a moment about a week and a half ago where I felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me. I broke into what felt like a million pieces for about 5 minutes, then I went back to what I needed to do. I don't know that I should of done that. I feel like I should have sat there a little longer. And not even just in that moment, but with alot of things. I'm in such a rush to not be broken, that I find myself repeatedly broken by alot of the same things. Even now, I find myself tempted to write about what its taught me or how i've grown so I can seem like I have some handle on it. But sometimes I don't, and right now I don't. I don't know what to do when I'm holding someones hand watching them cry because of the utter destruction they're trying to work through. I don't know what to do when it's necessary for me to help in the undoing of someone i love more than anything in this world. I don't know what to do when the man that has wounded me more than anyone, sits in front of me and wants a relationship. I don't know what to do when who I am, reminds someone else of everything they hate. I don't know what to do when no matter how hard I try, I don't feel like I fit into the life I live. I don't know what to do when I want to be able to love someone but all I hear over and over again is that they'll never love me because there will always be someone better. And...I have no clue what to do when all of this happens at once.

I'm not asking for advice, in fact this is probably more for me than anything. But I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm sorry. In a short amount of time, life has changed and I'm trying to learn how to change with it. I'm not very good at it.